The Absurdities of Corporate Life - How to Survive Meetings, Emails, KPIs, and the Office Circus ebook

Introduction - Why This Book Exists

Corporations are the kind of places where you go in “to gain experience” and walk out with trauma and a lifetime supply of jokes. Anyone who has ever pushed open the doors to an open space office knows there’s a different world inside — a world of absurdities so common you eventually stop noticing them.

If you’re holding this book in your hands (or on an e-reader, because let’s be honest — who in corporate has time for paper?), it means one of three things:

you’re just starting your adventure with “a big company” and you’re terrified you won’t figure it out,

you’ve been there for a few years already and you treat coffee like a strategic resource,

or (worst case scenario) you’re considering going back because of “stability” and “benefits.”

The reason doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re here — and that you need a map of a land where meetings last two hours and end with one key conclusion:…we need another meeting.

Corporate Life as the Best Comedy Show on Earth

Let’s be honest — corporate life is the most expensive stand-up show in the world.You perform in it every single day.And no one pays you extra for the jokes.

At your disposal, you get:

absurd roles (Junior Specialist for Things No One Actually Understands),

scenery (open space with air conditioning set to

random mode

),

actors (the coworker who pretends to work by clicking around in an empty Excel file),

a director (a manager who isn’t entirely sure what the project is actually about).

Every day is a sketch.Every email is a meme.Every piece of feedback is a parody of psychotherapy.

And that’s exactly what this book is about — showing you that these absurdities are not just in your head. They’re real. They’re universal. And honestly?They’re funny as hell.

Who Is This For?

For newbies — so you know what you’re getting into and don’t let anyone tell you this is just “how it has to be.”

For corporate veterans — so you can laugh at the things you already survive every day.

For those who escaped — so you can remember why you never want to go back.

How to Use This “Survival Guide”

This book will not teach you how to build a career.You won’t find advice like: “5 Steps to Becoming a Director in One Year” — NO.

What you will find:

humor, sarcasm, and a bit of swearing,

stories that are real and half-real (because real life writes the best jokes),

advice that entertains more than it actually helps,

checklists and buzzword bingo that make your next meeting slightly more bearable.

This is not a motivational guide.This is a therapy book.

Because once you realize everyone else is dealing with the same bullshit, surviving the daily absurdity gets a little easier.

Warning: Heavy Sarcasm Ahead

Some parts of this book will be stronger than the coffee from the office machine.

If you’re easily offended — don’t read it.If you’re looking for seriousness — go attend a training on “effective communication” and enjoy yourself.

But if you have distance and like to laugh — stay.

I promise every chapter will feel like a corporate stand-up show, just without the mandatory team-building trip to the mountains.

Absurd of the Day ☕

At a stress-management training, the coach said: “Just stress less.”The company paid $2,500 for that advice.

Summary

This book is about all of us — employees who fight emails sent at 5:59 PM, meetings about nothing, and feedback that adds absolutely no value.

You can laugh at it.You can cry.Or, ideally, do both at the same time.

Because corporate life isn’t just a job.It’s a lifestyle.One no sane person would ever choose — yet somehow, we all end up living it.

Chapter 1. The Birth of a Corporate Rat

Your First Step Into a New World

Picture this: you walk into a massive office building. The glass doors rotate slowly, as if they’re testing your patience. The marble floor reflects your uncertain footsteps, and the receptionist looks at you like you’re an intruder who clearly took a wrong turn.

- Good morning, who are you here to see?- Work… you answer, slightly surprised that anyone could come here voluntarily.

Your Badge - Your New Identity

You receive your badge. In the photo, you look like someone caught mid-interrogation. Which, honestly, isn’t far from the truth — quick flash, zero preparation, zero “smile for the camera.”

Your mother wouldn’t recognize you.You probably don’t recognize yourself either.

From now on, this badge is your passport to the open space world.Lose it — and you become nobody.

The Laptop, Also Known as a Torture Device

Next stage: you receive a laptop. Modern, shiny, smelling like fresh plastic and… completely useless. Why? Because you don’t have a system account yet.

- When will I get my login? you ask cautiously.- Please wait until IT creates your account.

How long will that take? No one knows. Three hours. Three days. Sometimes three weeks.

First lesson: in corporate life, time flows differently.What takes five minutes in the real world lasts forever here.

Onboarding - A Spectacle About Nothing

It’s time for onboarding. Sounds professional. In reality, it’s a PowerPoint marathon. Two hundred slides. The company logo on every single one.

Mission: “Changing the world.”Vision: “Being an industry leader.”Values: “Passion. Innovation. Integration.”

Sounds like a bottled water commercial.

Real-life example:

- Our founder, Mr. Mark, started the company in a garage back in 1998…

And you think: Why wasn’t I sitting in a garage in ’98? I could be a billionaire by now.

After one hour, your mind starts drifting.After two, you dream of a fire alarm evacuation.After three, you ask yourself: Did I really sign this contract?

The “Everyone Knows Except Me” Syndrome

The first days are a nonstop logic puzzle.

- Where’s the restroom?- Please submit a ticket to Facility Management.- How do I log into the reporting system?- Easy: VPN → Active Directory → Jira → SAP. Click the green square in the top-right corner, but only before 9:15, because after that it freezes.

Sounds like instructions for operating a spaceship.

Every day feels like an RPG quest:

Find the HR department on the 11th floor.

Unlock your SAP account.

Obtain a password that expires before you manage to type it in.

Your First Meetings - Survival Mode

Your calendar fills itself. Suddenly, you have meetings called:

status update,

kick-off,

alignment,

intro call,

catch-up — an absolute classic.

First experience:

- We need to escalate this issue to the stakeholders.

You think: Is this even English?

After one hour, you know less than you did before the meeting started. Welcome to a world where every meeting ends with a decision… to schedule another meeting.

Your First Email - And an Avalanche of Absurdity

Outlook. At first, your inbox is empty. You think: Great, no one has noticed me yet.

The next day: 187 emails.After a week: 1,000.

Threads look like this:

“FW: RE: FW: RE: Project status meeting - corrected FINAL v3.”

Attachments: 12. Each one different.

Tip and Checklist: How Do You Know an Email Isn’t for You?

You’re CC’d.

The subject contains an acronym you don’t recognize.

The attachment is called “report_final2_nowreally.xlsx”.

Your First Benefits - The Bitter Truth

HR sends an email: “You can now use your benefits!” You click with hope.

The offer:

a gym card (but only for basement gyms that smell like rubber and sweat),

a lunch card ($25 a month — about four cheap lunches in a major city),

insurance (that doesn’t actually cover anything).

The best benefit? Coffee from the machine.It tastes like toner mixed with sadness — but it’s free.

Dialogue: New Hire vs. HR

- Excuse me, how can I report a problem with my computer?- You need to fill out a form in the HelpDesk system.- But my computer doesn’t work.- Then please send an email.- …

Mini-Checklist: How Do You Know You’re a New Hire?

You have a brand-new laptop on your desk that you can’t turn on.

You don’t know any abbreviations, but everyone speaks in acronyms.

Your email inbox (once you finally access it) is a trash heap you don’t understand.

Your badge makes you look like a criminal.

When you ask “how do I log in,” you get instructions longer than your college thesis.

Absurd of the Day 🐭

Before you start working, you must prove that you… actually work here.

I received five logins and seven passwords. None of them worked. IT told me to send an email. The problem was — I didn’t have an email yet.

On my first day, I spent six hours on an online safety training. Test question:

Is it allowed to drink coffee near a computer?

I answered wrong.

The manager asked if I had any questions. I said: “Yes, what exactly am I supposed to do?” The answer: “We’ll see.”

Summary

The birth of a corporate rat is a rite of passage.

First, you’re lost.Then you pretend you understand.And finally, you discover that everyone else is pretending too.

The biggest secret of corporate life?

No one knows what’s going on.But everyone acts like they do.

Chapter 2. A Language Even Google Translate Can’t Understand

Your First Contact with Corporatespeak

Imagine starting your first day at work and suddenly finding yourself in a country where you kind of understand the words, but the sentences sound like spells in a foreign language.

That’s corporatespeak.

Real-life example (authentic):

- We need to escalate this ASAP to get a quick win and then do a deep dive into the KPIs. Also, remember that synergy with the other project is a must-have.- …so what exactly does that mean?- I’m being very clear. What don’t you understand?

No. That was not clear.That was the beginning of your education in a world of absurd words that mean everything and nothing at the same time.

The New Hire Dictionary

The first thing you need to do is learn the dictionary. Not from a textbook. Not from a course. From observation.

A few basic entries:

ASAP — “as soon as possible.” But does that mean today? Tomorrow? Next week? No one knows.

Quick win — a small success. Usually so small you don’t even notice it.

Deep dive — an in-depth analysis of a problem. In other words, a meeting that was supposed to be short but ends with 50 slides and an hour-long discussion about commas.

Synergy — a myth believed in exclusively by managers.

Ownership — a problem that wasn’t yours five minutes ago, but definitely is now.

Best practice — a solution that worked in another company. It will not work here.

Low-hanging fruit — something that could be done immediately, but still won’t be done.

Alignment — a meeting where everyone pretends to agree and then does their own thing anyway.

ROI — a magical spell that makes every PowerPoint presentation look like a plan to colonize Mars. The higher the ROI, the more high-fives during the board meeting.

KPI — our beloved indicators that measure everything except what we actually do. Thanks to them, we can pretend to be productive even after three hours of browsing memes on Slack.

SLA — a document that promises everything will work. It contains faster-than-light guarantees and commitments no one has ever read.

Your First Emails - Shock and Disbelief

You think: An email is just an email. How hard can it be?

Then you receive your first corporate email. From a coworker sitting right next to you. In English:

“Dear All, please kindly note that we need to leverage our core competencies in order to create sustainable value going forward. Let’s align offline before EOD.”

Translation into plain language:

“We have no idea what we’re doing. Let’s meet again so it looks like work.”