Rose is working for a movie studio in Hollywood. Her life is full of dreams but also full of deceptions. She is a nice girl, maybe a little bit too nice. She can't say no to people, that's why she gets into troubles. She also wants to help everybody which gets her into more troubles. Fortunately, she can count on her best friends to take care of her. But, Rose needs to be on her own. She must if she wants to built her own life.
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Let me introduce you Rose. Her story begins in a bar at midnight. This plump thirty years old woman…
Hey! Hey! Hey! What? Plump? Did you just call me plump? No, no, no. I can’t let you do that.
What are you doing Rose? This is my story, I’m the storyteller.
Hum no! This is MY story.
You’re not in charge.
I can if you lie about my physical conditions.
Very well then, how much do you weight?
I don’t know, I haven’t checked lately.
Well I do know and I can tell you, and I can tell the reader that you should probably go jogging once in a while.
Ok… I don’t want to be a bitch but I’m not going to let you tell my story if you talk about me like that, period.
Please accept my apologies beautiful, gracious woman. So, the story begins in a bar, at midnight, and Rose is about to be a little pushed in the ropes by a nice transgender.
No! For Christ sake! If you want to tell the story, tell it well. What are you doing? You’re spoiling all the suspense! Now the reader already knows how it will end, what’s the point? And how can you call the transgender nice? Did you see how she talked to me? There was nothing nice about it, on the contrary. I was the nice one and I deserved everything but rudeness.
My story, my way to tell it, deal with it.
Sorry mister the shitty storyteller, I think I’ll tell it myself.
Not a word!
Shut up or I kill myself with a knife and there’ll be no story at all, understand?
1 a.m. - a bar
8 a.m., the following day a.k.a the beginning of all my
9 a.m. Walking towards death
10 a.m. The park (my feel-good place)
10.30. Looking for more troubles
12 h14 back to work. (back to jail)
1 p.m. Still alive, but in a bad shape
2 p.m. Back on the ring!
Two minutes later
Five minutes later (I have my team with me…)
Thirty minutes later (the needed time for my savor to arrive)
Time to go into the lion’s territory
What to do after the storm?
Later, in a little place called “Pie-Bye” (cool name to, huh?)
10 h30. My apartment (where the craziness goes on)
Five minutes later (it’s crazy how time flies in this book!)
8 a.m. (the heart empty but heavy like a stone)
My first encounter with a transgender.
Well, I guess I should introduce myself but hum, I prefer to jump straight into the facts. Right now, I am interviewing a transgender. The weird thing is that I’m not a reporter, I work for a movie studio. I dream to be a writer and, on the paper, I’m on the writer team, but I only do researches. A guy shows up with an idea, a cool t-shirt and a geeky face and says something like “I was going deep down inside my thoughts yesterday (which means: I was masturbating watching animated porn in my apartment) when this idea just appeared right in front of me, like a gesture from God, you know (which means: and I was high).
So, basically, this guy wants to do a drama about a man who wanted to become a woman his entire life and he has decided to start the process. As I’m not a screenwriter, my job is to go outside and meet some transgenders, getting to know them, their stories, the all package and to make notes about it.
And here I am, ordering a Manhattan in a flashy, pinky bar at midnight, trying to make eye contact with one of these beautiful creatures. It’s hard because everyone here can see that I am the actual alien, they can smell my fear and awkwardness. They know I don’t belong here, but what they do not know is my intentions. Am I a nice lost gentle girl who came to the wrong address for her date? Am I some weirdo who wants to make an article for a blog called “inside the human adventure”? Or, this is the last one, am I someone who wants to join their side and tonight is the night when I finally decide to show up and face the fact that I don’t want to be a girl anymore, because deep down, I always have been a man.
Well, for the moment I don’t really know to whom I can talk to. They all look at me suspiciously, even the bartender. There is no slice of lemon on my cocktail but there is one on the other’s customer’s drinks. I guess that means: “go away, you’re not welcome here”. But I don’t have the choice, I have a mission, something important to do, this is my job, and it is my job to convince them that my intentions are good and honest. I’m not here to assist to a freak show or to hold a Bible to their faces. No. I even recognize that their lives at this moment are better than mine, because they had the courage to be their true-selves and not pretending to slide gently into the schemes of society. Those ladies have balls, or whatever.
Oh my god! Oh shit. Shit shit shit. Someone’s coming over. What should I do? Should I pretend to be cool, relax, at ease? Should I put on a happy and welcoming face? Pull yourself together woman for Christ’s sake!
- Hey! (fuck, why did I say “Hey!” with this big stupid smile?)
- What are you doing here? (and she is not smiling… She is not even showing the smallest expression of kindness. Nothing. Just a blank face staring at me, making strong eyes contact, leaving me no possibility to escape or to back up with little proud).
- Hi! Well (would you stop smiling without any plausible reason!)… hum… I had a hard day at work so I needed a drink badly, you know what that is, stress and… (what I am doing with my face, am I Jim Carrey or what? Am I doing impressions?)
- Cut the shit. I know why you’re here. (her voice is solid, steady as a rock)
- You do? (I am the worst poker player right now!)
- Yeah, this is obvious. I see it instantly, your shape, your bone structure.
- Wh…What about it? (ok, now I’m just confused… and I look like a woman that just spent two hours on a hard puzzle without finding the solution)
- Come on. You want to be a man. You already have the body, a little bit angular and your shoulders.
- No I don’t! And… What? (and now I’ve got my crazy bitch voice coming)
- Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure you’ll be a very handsome man.
- But no. No. No, no, no, no. I like being a woman. I would never do something like that to myself. God no! (why did you say it with disgust… to a transgender!)
Superb Rose! You are doing very well! You were right, I don’t need to tell the story, you are doing just fine! I love it! Keep talking like that to her and soon you’ll be killed by an entire bar of trans.
You fu… No, no. I am not letting myself go wild. I can control my emotions and give to this dialogue a proper direction. All I need is to apologize to this nice and beautiful lady and you’ll see, I will make her tell me her all life and I will enter gloriously into my boss’ office tomorrow morning! Wait and see my friend.
I’m dying of impatience.
- Oh no. This is not what I meant. I think you’re terrific, amazing body and everything…
- So… You like me, is that it?
- No. I’m not… You’re not… (this is a nightmare!)
- Well what? (she’s getting upset and I will end up punched in the face by a transgender, nice work.)
- You are a beautiful woman and everything, but I am straight ok?
- Listen, we just make a bad start here and I want to tell you why I’m here ok?
- OK… (she looked at me suspiciously and she is moving a little backward as if I was carrying some disease. If there’s one, it’s stupidity right now!)
- Why don’t we just give this conversation a new start. Hi. May I buy you a drink? (and now that I have all my senses, I propose a handshake and she accept it). I didn’t even ask your name.
- Beautiful name. Beautiful.
- What’s yours?
- My name? (Can you stop being so nervous! She is not going to bite you and remember, you have a job to do) It’s Rose.
- Very girly.
- You could say that I guess, and it’s not coming from the film Titanic, even if I could easily put my hand on a nice Jack!
- Oh, me too.
- Good! Good. See, we have something in common!
- I would not go that far. So, what’s your business? I can tell this is your first time here, maybe your first time talking to somebody like me.
- That is correct. I’m here for work to be honest.
- Work? Tell me more but before that, I need a drink baby. (to the bartender) Can you get me an old fashioned? Thanks darling. You want something?
- I’ll have a Manhattan.
- And a Manhattan for the lady. (to me) Go ahead now.
- Well, you see, I work for a movie studio, I’m in the writer’s team and my job is to do research for the team. Right now, we are working on a new project…
- Let me guess, you’re here to “study” the transgenders, you’re like an anthropologist going to meet some savages, is that right?
- I would not put it that way but…
- How would you do put it? Tell me. Because, from where I stand, your movie studio is just trying to make a lot of money on the back of my community. This is just a fashion. I’m a transgender now for more than thirty years and I haven’t read as many articles as today, it’s all Catlyn Jenner’s fault.
- Yes, but aren’t you happy to be more accepted today than you were before?
- Oh my God! How can you be so wrong, so stupid and arrogant at the same time? You think our lives are better or worse than before just because every day I can see headlines about neutral public toilets or a special LGBT award in the movie industry? Don’t you think we, all the transgenders in this bar, still get insulted on the street? But don’t get me wrong, I never complain about my life, I don’t go to places where I know I’ll be in trouble, I know where to go, I have friends and family. Love, it’s another thing, it has nothing to do with me being a transgender, I always have been a complicated person.
- To be honest, I seldom approve my team’s choices but it’s my job. I would like to be a writer, to create and develop my own stories but I do researches. It has been five years now since I moved to Los Angeles, and the only thing I like about my job is meeting new people, going to places I never went before. Here I am tonight, talking with you and it’s amazing. I would never have done that on my own, but thanks to my work, I push myself a bit more each time.
- Yes, but your being here is for the money, don’t make yourself a philanthropist or a pure, good soul. To me you’re just as good as anybody else, or as bad...
- Hey hey no. Calm down a minute.
- What? Are you getting offended? You’re going to tell me that you are here, trying to get information from me, or anybody else in this bar, just to be capable to go to bed tonight happy for yourself, thinking: “Oh Lord, I’m such a nice person, I can be friend with transgenders, those poor, castaway people.”
- No, stop saying that.
- All I know is that you don’t want to be friendly, you’re falsely charming and nice just to give your team some valuable information about the LGBT community. You want so much to feel good about yourself, and you hate your job so much that you are acting like a mistreated creature. You want everybody to love you, this is probably why you’re not a writer after five years of being the perfect employee. I hope you’re not the kind of girl who brings coffee for everyone in the morning.
- I am (sadly. Oh yes! Sadly! She destroys me! I have been ferociously attacked for being too nice! It’s not my fault if I can’t be an asshole! My parents gave me a proper education and every time I curse, I want to apologize right away. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! There it is, I feel even worse now. Do not cry in front of her. Look at your feet for a little while and drink your Manhattan without shaking.) I should probably go.
- Good idea and don’t forget your priers before going to bed.
- Let me just tell you one more thing before I go. I do this job for the money, that’s right, but everybody must eat, and I have my bills to pay, and even if I have my orders, I always put my best self into it. It’s not easy for me to be here because there is a strong risk for me to get pushed away, but here I am, doing my work. I’ve met workers, nurses, policemen, firemen, homeless people, and every time, I’ve listen to their stories, I’ve put my all heart in it. I grow thanks to them and I will continue to, because I want to improve myself. I’m a nicely educated catholic girl, but I’m not a cliché and I want to erase my social and educational boundaries. I try to.
- What the movie is about?
- Tell me the story of your film. The one your studio wants to produce.
- Hum… it’s a guy who wants to be a woman because he always has been a woman deep inside. It’s a story about his battle, how he may lose his friends and family, stuff like that.
- I really don’t know why you need to go here and interview some of us.
- They think the movie will be more valuable. You can even be in the credits you know.
- Yeah, I always wanted to be famous, and maybe after the film is released, I could have my talk show “the incredible life of Mila, the sexy transgender”. You know what your problem is, Rose? You don’t really stand up for yourself. You try to convince yourself day after day that what you’re doing is ok, but it’s not. You’re weak and you’re being exploited. Exploited by your boss. Exploited by your parents. I guess you have trouble finding a boyfriend because you want so bad to be perfect for him, for his family that you completely forget who you are. Get out of here and try to have some respect for yourself. You are an embarrassment.
- You know, I didn’t offend you, you didn’t have to be so hard on me.
- I will talk to you when you will be ready. Now go home Rose. Go and sleep on it.
I looked at my feet and went outside, then in my car and finally in my apartment where I cry loudly. My roommate wasn’t there so I gave myself up.
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