This is my journal based on my spiritual journey going inwards then coming out. This is not the truth just my truth, because the truth is your own. I write about letting go so that we can become who we are supposed to be. We all have the opportunity to become our greatest self regardless of our personality flaws. There is a hidden power within all of us, potential energy waiting to be unlocked. I believe that every person has the ability to evolve if one puts their mind into it! My past experiences created many obstacles and challenges. I was bullied used and abused, I also hurt others too. I was drowning from abandonment issues, this is how I developed my narcissistic personality disorder. I thought that I could bury my hurt feelings deep inside while I continued to live my life. I used to be full of regret, guilt, envy, shame, grief, and resentment. In 2011 I was somehow pulled into chakras, yoga and tai chi. I had no idea where spirit was moving me. I have come to realize that I spent most of my life sleeping, this was an eerie feeling. I thought I knew who I was; I saw how my life was just a lie. I needed to challenge my perception of myself and the world outside. I found myself experiencing higher consciousness as I journeyed deeper internally, my external reality was all an illusion, and that the only thing that is true is what's within. I continued my quest because I wanted to experience spiritual enlightenment. Working on healing my chakras, I began to see how my pain and ignorance was the cause of my attractions and my life's outcome. I began to see how my low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, and selfishness were ruling my behavior. I once thought that I knew it all and that I was so special. I thought that everyone else was bad, and blamed instead of looking at my reflection for truth. I saw how the enemy was I, by judging and criticizing myself to appear or feel perfect. This caused much chaotic drama with others. Can a narcissistic person find unconditional love, selflessness, and inner peace? I believe that everyone has the potential to evolve beyond their humanity, regardless of their mentality.
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My writings are a collection of my thoughts based on my spiritual journey going inwards. This is my point of view, maybe from a narcissist’s point of view, a lone wolf or perhaps a unique conscious mind. Yet...I don't have all of the answers because the truth is our own.
I was dealing with immigration issues so I ended up homeless in 2011. I spent 5 years homeless in Florida with my wife and child. I forced myself to keep doing yoga, tia chi, Wing Chun, chakra healing and later Kundalini yoga to make sure that I stayed Conscious during this hard period. I knew that if I let my homeless experience get to me, I would die or fall asleep and lose my higher awareness.
I now realized that All I wanted was a closer relationship with God. As I began to study myself going inwards, I realized that worry, holding on to my past and attempting to control things were affecting my behavior. I then realized that everything that happened in my past human experiences was supposed to happen, for learning about my behavior so that I could forgive myself and others to evolve in Love.
By letting go I began to recognize the voice of my soul, vs. my sporadic ego, combined with my scattered mind. I also began to see and slowly understand the universe within while growing in divine love. Working on my Chakras helped me experience Self Knowing and a Spiritual Awakening. Accepting that I was a narcissist helped me forgive myself. The attempt to change my personality profile to feel perfect was my worst mistake.
I later realized that I am no different than or exclusive to others, I once thought that I was special. I was the average guy living my life based on what I learned from the outside. I went to public school; I skipped some classes in high school, I only enjoyed writing. I felt like the school system was a boring temporary prison, the program felt to fixed for my taste, not enough personal depth.
I felt like a lost person with no direction because the school didn’t have spiritual or knowledge of self classes. I lived my life going through the motions, avoiding my true feelings because I was trying to be perfect. I was numbing myself, acting out of thoughts then emotions instead of feeling then emotions. I admit that I was not being aware of my spirit, and my psychology. I never thought that I was going to do anything exceptional either.
My spiritual journey, going within and then coming out. This awakening allowed me to see what was happening in my psyche, then seeing the correspondence in my experiences within my created reality. I have been fighting with abandonment issues for years. My journey within put me through many healing experiences with my chakras, such as working with sound and colors and intense visualization. I did a lot of crying as I let go of my past and let go of false pride.
I was a black sheep of my family, but thankfully working on healing allowed me to forgive myself and others so that I would be left with no anger or regrets. No one is a black sheep, we must learn to validate our own selves. I was solely aiming for self-liberation so that I could concentrate on what I wanted to do with my life. My past experiences left me with regrets, guilt shame and grief. I was in hell now to think of it. I don’t know how I manage to survive my chaotic life, my spiritual retreat within turned things around for me in early 2011.
My birth name was Abdul Mumin Muhammad, well until I got married. Long story short I was born in Trinidad, It's an island located in the Caribbean. As a child I remember playing by myself, it was fun because I liked playing with nature.
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