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"The Secret to Self-Publishing on Amazon is said to be: ""You Need to First Be A Celebrity To Succeed At Anything"".This parody is a sarcastic look at how you can be an ""overnight"" success - by making it impossible for anyone else to succeed as you set the bar astronomically high.Learn the 3 Parts to Real eBook PublishingHow to write a book - real quick, shallow, ghost-written.How to publish your book - hire someone to do it for cheap, like putting their name on the cover.How to sell a book online - using your devoted, Kool-Aid-drinking fan-base to suck-up and give you fake 5-star reviews without having read the book.Obviously, this is a work of satire and has nothing to do with the real world. And any resemblance to a currently successful bestseller is just a happy coincidence. (Right.)Solve the Key Factors Which Have Kept You From Publishing Your Book.Your life is out of Control because you didn't devote yourself to learning celebrity-skills.You want to get Approval for everything you do - but that's just the half of it. Find how celebrities can't live without it, so self-publishing puts ""Vanity"" back into the name.You want to have the Security, but really you need to stick to that day job and leave all the PR to PR Artistes who appear on late night info-mercials to sell over-priced junk.And you want to Join the group of successful Independent Authors, but except for a few cheaters who stumble into it by accident, the system is rigged to sell only celebrity's books (and cute dressed-up-cat-picture books).Tools you will find inside this guide:How to wreck your life and get fired for spending too much time on your book, then falling asleep at work - repeatedly.How to ruin your family relationships by getting every relative you know to loan you money and/or write suck-up reviews of your book (and like, and plus, and tweet about it to their friends.)Lose any certainty you ever had about how good you are as a writer, because some celebrity comes along with their version of how it ""really"" works, so no one listens to your advice ever again.Discover how a celebrity can suck the air out of a room by just showing up, and how their interviews and PR stunts take the limelight away from struggling unknown indie authors.Get access to a ""Publishing Success Blueprint"" which will make sure you stick to your day job and never try some wacky creative idea ever again!And find how the entire publishing industry deck is still stacked against you, so you might as well never try.New Revision!Contains actually helpful tips! (Don't tell Richard this, but I included some tactics, strategies, and tips from later research. What you can find out, he doesn't need to know...)Download Your CopyScroll Up Now and Click Buy Now Button."
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J'APE: Just Another Publicity Excuse
How to Publish Your (Kindle) Book for Shameless Self-Promotion and Profit
...a parody (also known as: satire)
by Richard Saunders & Robert C. Worstell
Don't visit http://midwestjournalpress.com/japethebook.phpfor more material and resources – we wouldn't want to get your hopes up...
Copyright © 2016 Midwest Journal Press. All Rights Reserved.
cover photo credit: NY skyline by “wwarby” from flickr
Why You Need to Buy and Read this Book.
How to Write a Book and Die Trying.
Change comes hard to Traditional Publishers
How it works these days
Effetian (Artiste-Anal) Publishing
How to Write a Book that Doesn't Just Suck
Crowd-funding Schmoozing Your Finances
How to Publish Your Book The Hard Way
Technical details to make your head explode
How to Publish on Amazon, lose money, and bitch.
How to Lord Your Social Following Over Everyone
Now for the hard work: PR (Don't try this at home. Seriously)
The day of the self-publishing indie author is already over.
How we “J'APE'd” this book
Postcript: Three Years Later
About the Authors
Other books in this series
Related Writing Texts Published by Midwest Journal Press
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The 7 Truths and 5 Falsehoods of Kindle Sales
7 Unknown Success Principles Every Author Uses to Succeed
A Working Guide to Publishing Your Passive Income Empire, Step-By-Step.
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[Because you deserve a break from all those serious and pretentious books which tell you all about how to make incredible amounts of money, get outrageous fame, and then retire to some beach-front property to count your millions while sipping non-fattening semi-alcoholic drinks. Oh, yes, you get to write a book to do all this.]
This concept nearly fried my brain. There I was, relaxing after yet another speaking engagement (where people pay me ungodly amounts of money, plus expenses, just to come out on stage and tell everyone how I had the solutions to their problems) and I picked up another magazine (one which didn't have my picture on it) and saw that one of my erstwhile friends had just launched his new book and it was becoming an overnight bestseller.
Immediately, I got on the phone to my agent and demanded to know why I didn't have a bestseller that was climbing the charts?!?
And then he told me something rude: he wanted me to write one. Write? What? Me?!? And then he continued to rub salt in that wound - my agent said that the reason that book I saw was selling well is because that “friend” of mine self-published it, and that self-published ebooks are all the rage right now. And they were real easy to create, not like a regular book - but once it started selling, we could get one of those out also. Amazon was selling tons of these ebook things and loved it because ebooks didn't cost anything to ship or store them. People were writing ebooks because it was easier than having to print out manuscripts and ship them off to agents, then wait months for inevitable rejection slips.
Of course, the idea of getting rejected rankled me all over again.
So after my agent apologized again, he said he knew a ghostwriter or two, and could probably set me up with someone who also knew how to make an ebook.
That's how I met Robert. Well, I never really met him (I mean, he lives on a farm in Missouri for gawd's sake - who would ever want to live there? Once I had to stop in Chicago on a layover and the airport executive lounge was positively atrocious. And just look out your window – it's all flat out there.)
Our arrangement was more like: he would email me stuff and I would read it and send back my notes on how it could be improved.
I think that with my guidance, he got a pretty good book together. Plus he works cheap. (Actually, for letting him put his name on the cover, I didn't have to pay him a dime. What a deal.)
If you want to contact me for Interviews or Appearances, here's the link:
Oh, and that's where Robert hangs out too. FWIW. ;)
If you need a reason to write a book, then decide to do it for the money. Or you can do it to increase your celebrity, which means all that PR you pay for is really a tax write-off. So either way, it means more money.
When you are a celebrity like me, it's just natural for everyone within earshot to drop whatever they are doing and come to listen to my stories.
But I understand other people can have a problem getting what they want to say on paper. And many people can't afford ghostwriters, so they are pretty much out of luck. Well, not really.
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