Again in the relation-shit? - Dipl.Psych. Sonja Tolevski - ebook

Again in the relation-shit? ebook

Dipl.Psych. Sonja Tolevski

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Opis

A relationship is something strange. Most people want a love-relationship; because they think it could enrich their lives. Then they finally have one and already after a couple of weeks you hear them complain about the relationship. Of course, all that glitters is not gold, but how long does a relationship glitter anyway? We are spending an incredible amount of time with the relationship.I would almost say that we are spending more time with it in our heads than in real life. Throughout the day we spend maybe 4 or 5 hours with our sweethearts, probably more over the weekend. BUT…how many hours per day are we turning him over in our minds?It is solely ourselves that are creating our problems. It is not always the others, even if it may sound better and be better for our own image. How much of all the crap we experience everyday are we actually creating ourselves? What opinions, emotions, truths or likewise untruths do we have within ourselves that bring forth these very difficulties?

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Dipl.Psych. Sonja Tolevski

Honey, I´m fine without you!

what woman can do about it

BookRix GmbH & Co. KG80331 Munich

Time and again relationship

A relationship is something strange. Most people want a love-relationship; because they think it could enrich their lives. Then they finally have one and already after a couple of weeks you hear them complain about the relationship.

Of course, all that glitters is not gold, but how long does a relationship glitter anyway?

We are spending an incredible amount of time with the relationship. I would almost say that we are spending more time with it in our heads than in real life. Throughout the day we spend maybe 4 or 5 hours with our sweethearts, probably more over the weekend. BUT…how many hours per day are we turning him over in our minds?

This turning over in our minds is actually rather a female affair. Men perceive situations differently, at least they have more training in turning around and being on another topic – while a woman thinks! Not only does she fill her day with thoughts, no, she’s also taking it with her into her sleep. Sometimes she rolls sleepless in bed and – if she has the chance – looks next to her and sees a peaceful sleepy man laying there. Problems? It may be, but all at its proper time!

It is solely ourselves that are creating our problems. It is not always the others, even if it may sound better and be better for our own image.

How much happiness could we live if the others would stop annoying us, disregarding us, being mean, being ignorant, being exploitative and “stopping at nothing”? Then the world – or rather our small world – would be in order. Of course a small world should be in order. If every small world is in order then the big world, the whole globe, can take a deep breath. I don’t want to deny that at all. Everyone in this world would deserve to finally enjoy their happiness peacefully. But unfortunately, reality shows itself a bit differently. Well, this is not supposed to be a book about the salvation of the world, but rather to clarify relationship situations. How much of all the crap we experience everyday are we actually creating ourselves? What opinions, emotions, truths or likewise untruths do we have within ourselves that bring forth these very difficulties?

 

I must confess that I have been through a few relationships in my life. At a closer look they all actually had a similar course. Again and again I went through the typical phases. Although there were a few differences, the result was always the same: the separation! Why?

 

Non-amorous relationships

 

There are relationships that don’t begin with being incredibly in love. It rather might be that, initially, the offer has been put out there and you are agreeing to it due to your play instinct. After all it is fun, from time to time, to simply indulge in a flirt, a whim or maybe even sex. The man who shows interest in you takes over the leading position and you are allowed to just lay back and have the feeling that someone actually wants to take care of you and even more: it seems as if he likes you just the way you are! He is possibly even hooked on you and you are totally relaxed and almost casual, because of that security, completely yourself and just not in love. Over time – should the man “survive” the first few weeks, well, as long as he’s suitable and that he is still lingering within your orbit – two emotional impressions will grow on you, which can be working consciously as well as subconsciously.

1. This man likes me and seems to truly and honestly love me. In that case he is worthy of being loved by me. Maybe I should consider falling in love with this specimen of a man. Finally arrived!

2. I am in a relationship with a man in whom I’m zero in love with. That doesn’t feel right. All I know about real relationships is that love belongs to it. But I don’t feel anything! That means I am different than the others. So there is either something wrong with me or with this relationship. In that case I’d better open myself to the thought of falling in love. So that, what I’m experiencing here at least is in a common framework.

What follows then is to be found in the chapter: “In love, and now?”

Amorous relationships

Starlit skies, butterflies in the stomach, heart beating, the floating feeling all around the clock! A romance as described in books or in movies or in fairytales. Everything fits! The spark struck and transformed into a long-term lightening flash. Body and mind are in a permanent state of happiness. The man of your dreams appeared and he has the enormous good fortune to have found you as the princess of his dreams. Wonderful!

To quote Plato: “Love is a serious mental illness.” Maybe on the face of it – from the inside it is very different. A whole lot of hormone cocktails buzz through the bloodstream and cloud the senses. Whoever can remember their last intense being in love state knows that it is pure happiness. It feels like a drug that you can’t get enough of. Every spare minute we are thinking of the object of our desire. In our brains, however, the exact same process takes place. Similar brain areas are activated as an addiction to alcohol or other opiates. All in all we are much more active due to the increased adrenaline output, the “happy” hormone dopamine is released increasingly and the oxytocin level rises, which leads to the desire to only wanting to snuggle up with our love. Concentration may suffer due to the increased adrenaline output. In short, we are beside ourselves with joy or out of our senses due to the frenzy of our senses.

And what happens in our world of thought? The continuous loop of the beloved’s name; pictures and impressions of the latest or very first encounter; repetition of past dialogues including the pillow talk; and the sheer happiness of finally having found the lid for the pot. Furthermore, we have the need to carry it into the world, to scream out loud how happy we are. “Out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

An enraptured and enchanting state that should be enjoyed every minute to the fullest.

 

In love, and now?

In both above mentioned versions we are now in the state of “in love”. This state is wonderful on one side, but on the other side it also has drawbacks. You are on guard! As we’ve already assessed in the previous chapter, being in love is like a drug addiction. Where drug addiction dominates there is also fear for the loss of the drug. As a matter of fact, the state at a separation is physically comparable with an actual drug withdrawal. So the higher subconscious goal is to keep the chosen drug going. The fear of lovesickness keeps many couples refraining from a separation, even though they have already known for a long time that the relationship doesn’t make any sense anymore. But, as is often the case, the fear is bigger than the discontent of the current state. Actually, I should draw kind of a tree at this point. The headline would be “You are on guard” and the single branches bear the respective title of the procedures. There are many branches…and many offshoots.

1.You observe your sweetheart with watchful eyes. Of course you are incredibly in love with him, but…how much in love is he with you? An outrageous horror scenario would be, if you would be caught in a separation in the middle of your love-drug addiction, because your darling doesn’t love you as much as you assumed. Then, the drug would disappear immediately and you’re sitting in the darkest cellar of this perceptible reality. So that this does not happen, the drug needs to be controlled. Consequently it would be ideal if he would love you more than you do. That feels as if the drug supply can be secured. You can comfortably devote yourself to being in love and enjoy every minute.

2. You observe your sweetheart with jealous eyes. Your object of desire should in no way be taken away by the competition! You’ll have to intensify your observation mode. Every twitch in his eyes is accurately detected, as well as the duration of eye contact with other women, additionally the course of his gaze with passing women. All of that is strictly being followed by you and woe him if he makes a small mistake; he very quickly might be getting into a hell of a mess. After all, you didn’t come into the happiness hormone wave to just give away your prey again.

3.You are asking him again and again and at every opportunity: “What are you thinking?” Alternatively there might also be the question in the early morning or also in the middle of the night: “What did you dream about?” From his responses you are hoping to get an idea of his current emotional state. More than anything else you would prefer him to answer the question as expected with: “Of you!” or “About you!” Then you could be certain again that only you are buzzing around in his mind. The good news is, the older you get the lesser you feel like asking these questions.

4. If all of these don’t really ignite, then there is still the possibility of the direct approach. You are asking him bluntly: “Do you love me?” If he is smart then he is simply smiling and says something like: “Yes, of course” or just “Yes” Simply based on the fact that he well knows what answer you’re expecting. Rather unfavorable are counter questions such as: “Why?” or “Why not?” All very well, but in your deepest self you also know that you don’t trust this question at all. Who is answering with: “No”? Every man is aware that an absolute honest answer could grow to a very, very big problem within seconds. And you know that too. Obviously that means that you immediately doubt a positive answer.

In psychology there is the factor of social undesirability, which is often built into psychological tests. If, during the test, the subject tends to answer the questions according to the outward impression, the whole truthfulness of the test is void. A typical question would be: “When eating, do you behave at home the same way as you would behave in a restaurant?” Yes or no? If the subject is ticking “Yes” then it can be assumed that he or she is just simply lying to show their best side for the test. Therefore the other answers are presumably ticked under the same aspects and not out of their inner attitude.

5. Naturally you are presenting yourself at your best permanently. He may well know that he is in a relationship with the queen of the night. He can be truly aware of his incredible luck. Because you are not just some woman, no, you are different! You have qualities and they are now being underlined a little bit more. At the same time you are trying to cover up your weaknesses. My personal assumption is that the fashion of permanent make-up originated out of this context. Our own sight should be simply beautiful, in the evening as well as the next morning. Our aim is to simply tie our darling to us, so that he would not come up with the idea of cutting us off the “in-love”-drug in the first place.

6.The maximization of the queen of the night would be the mode “Queen and Beggar”. With that we are making clear that he actually won the jackpot with you. Essentially, he represents much less than you are. Here, in this game you are the main character that lends herself below her level and therefore expects certain deference. It is a game with a certain risk, but the hope that it will work out is big. Depending on the man’s ego it can actually work out for quite a while. Perhaps he jumps accordingly on the bandwagon and quite enjoys to be seen with you, decorate himself with you or also boast about you. But it may also be that he finds it rather unpleasant the way you represent yourself. In that case you will be rid of him faster than you have imagined.

This “Queen and Beggar”-mode is sometimes even found in long term relationships, which are often dealt with verbally and shows itself in the belittling of the other person. The man should not come up with the idea in the first place that he might have a chance somewhere else. The aim is to belittle the self-confidence and therefore create a dependency. Obviously this mode can also be called “King and Beggar”

 

The misery begins

 

All these procedures obviously have only one purpose: to keep your darling to yourself and to tie him to you and in no way run the risk of getting caught in a drug withdrawal. That means stress – for you!

We completely neglect the fact that, when we inspect our darling so accurately, we have to memorize and judge all his gestures, words, facial expressions and actions. At this moment the factor of interpretation is to be added. THIS is something that we women can do best! To interpret the content of words! Mostly, it is completely indifferent to us whether we leave the words in its context or if we simply take them out of it and assess them afterwards. Additionally we are also silly enough to turn the filter against ourselves. In case of doubt, we favour the judge, but unfortunately negatively. Accurate observation is only a minor detail in comparison. We leap with élan onto what hurts and think it is completely normal. The bad thing about this is: It is that, that hurts US!

And we create conversational situations, which are hardly solvable; for neither us nor our darling.

One example:

She’s asking him: “Do you think this Bikini top is pushing my breasts too much?”

He in possibility 1: “No! I think it is OK!”

She: “So you think that I’m too flat-chested?”

He: “?”

 

He in possibility 2: “Yes, you are right!”

She: “So you think that my breasts are too big?”

He: “?”

 

Another classic:

He: “Darling, should I wear the green or the blue dress tonight?”

He: “The green dress is very nice, isn’t it?”

She: “Why? You don’t like the blue one??? You could have said that already in the shop!”

 

What we don’t noticeis that we are digging ourselves a pit and not only fall into it, but jump into it with enthusiasm. What remains of such conversations is a thought loop about our own qualities. In the example above the thought loop would be a question that we cannot answer, because we dare not ask again: “He doesn’t like my breasts?” Likewise your darling also doesn’t dare to use the word breast again, as it became a ticking time bomb immediately.

The clothes issue question can just as well quickly become a multilayered, existential thought loop:

- “I can never do things right for him!”

- “I absolutely don’t matter to him and what I’m wearing too!”

- “He never tells me what looks nice on me, he is rather only happy that we’re back from shopping. Now that I know that he doesn’t like the blue dress I don’t need to wear it anymore!”

We are taking all of this very seriously. It will be saved in the long-term memory!

The men are hunters and it is said that we would be collectors. We are not! We are rather trappers! Unfortunately we are tangling ourselves up in our own traps. And if it would be only that! No, the trapper doesn’t do things halfway!

As a first step she naturally memorizes the dialogue. The reason is that she doesn’t want to get into the same uncomfortable situation again and therefore it is best to avoid such questions in the future.