5 Gears ebook

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Section One: Connectivity

Chapter 1: Driving Too Fast

Running People Over

Social Miscues

Disconnections

Chapter 2: Reality Check

Pain of the Crash

What Could Be?

Section Two: 5 Gears for Practical Connection

Chapter 3: Getting in Gear

Healthy and Unhealthy Gears

Using Language to Connect

How the 5 Gears Saved an iPhone and Improved a Marriage

Chapter 4: 5th Gear—In the Zone

Getting into Overdrive

Rethinking the Open Door Policy

Stuck in 5th Gear

Missing Out

Healthy and Unhealthy 5th Gear

Teaching Others How to Use 5th Gear

Getting 5th Gear into Your Life

The 5th Gear Challenge

Chapter 5: 4th Gear—Leading in a Task World

Waking Up in 4th Gear

What 4th Gear Does to Our Brains and Our Work

The Different 4th Gears—Work and Home

What It Is Like to Be on the Other Side of 4th Gear

Reprioritizing What Really Matters

Why Using All the Gears Makes 4th More Productive

The 4th Gear Challenge

Chapter 6: 3rd Gear—Why Being Social Matters

Why Business Happens in 3rd Gear

Learn to Be Curious

Ideas versus People, Places, or Things

How 3rd Gear Can Increase Your Influence

What Happens When You Avoid 3rd Gear

For Those Still Stuck in 4th and 5th Gear

How to Help Others Get into 3rd Gear

Overdoing 3rd Gear

The 3rd Gear Challenge

Chapter 7: 2nd Gear—Connecting Deeply

Why Is It So Hard to Get to 2nd Gear?

Learning to Connect

What Happens When Everyone Is in 2nd Gear?

Truly Being Present

Back to the Real World

2nd Gear in a 4th Gear Culture

The 2nd Gear Challenge

Chapter 8: 1st Gear—Learning to Recharge

How We Recharge: Battery Pack or Solar Panel

What Recharge Looks Like for You

Rest as Your Secret Weapon

Why a Day of Recharge Is Smart

Is Crashing Recharging?

How Leaders Can Schedule Rest

Is 1st Gear Worth It?

The 1st Gear Challenge

Chapter 9: Reverse—Being Responsive in a Resistant World

Do You Know How to Apologize?

What Reverse Does to Influence

Why Self-Preservation Undermines Influence

How to Say I Am Sorry

The Reverse Challenge

Chapter 10: Ranking Your Gear Order

What Is Your Gear Order?

Gear Order Under Stress

Introvert/Extrovert Gear Order

Understanding Others' Gear Order

Section Three: Living and Leading Connected

Chapter 11: Master Your Settings—Right Time, Right Place

The Right Time

The Right Place

5 Circles of Influence

What Is Your Approach to Connecting?

Putting It Together

Chapter 12: Shifting Well—Learning How to Transition

Practice, Practice, Practice

Using Markers as Trigger Points

Shifting from Work to Home

When Transitions Are Complex

Language to Help Others Transition Well

Highlighting Your Transitions

Is Neutral a Gear?

Chapter 13: Intentional versus Accidental

What Does Investment Look Like?

Leading Your Life Intentionally

Intentional Work

Chapter 14: Making the U-Turn—Challenge and Plan

Your Personal Challenge

Helping Others Mark the Changes

Chapter 15: What Is Your Story?

Writing Your Story

It's Your Turn

Transformational Leadership Resources

About GiANT Worldwide

Acknowledgments

Index

End User License Agreement

List of Tables

Table 14.1

List of Illustrations

Figure 3.1

Figure 3.2

Figure 10.1

Figure 11.1

Figure 14.1

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

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5 Gears

How to Be Present and Productive When There is Never Enough Time

Cover design: Wiley

Copyright © 2015 by Pub House, LLC. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom.

For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993, or fax (317) 572-4002.

Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Kubicek, Jeremie.

5 gears : how to be present and productive when there is never enough time / Jeremie Kubicek, Steve Cockram.

pages cm

Includes index.

ISBN 978-1-119-11115-3 (hardback); ISBN 978-1-119-11116-0 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-119-11117-7 (ebk)

1. Leadership. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Cockram, Steve. II. Title. III. Title: Five gears.

HD57.7.K8154 2015

650.1–dc23

2015013433

Dedication

Jeremie dedicates this book to Kelly, Addison, Will, and Kate. You four make life amazing. Thank you for being for me as I am for you.

Steve dedicates this book to Helen, Izzy, Megan, and Charlie. Thank you for your incredible patience and love as I've slowly learned how to connect more effectively with each of you.

Introduction

“You're here, but you're really not here. You are with me, but you're somewhere far away.” Have you ever heard those words before? Or possibly spoken them to someone else?

Every day, millions of people are negatively impacted by the inability of a person to connect appropriately and to be present. Social miscues, the lack of emotional intelligence, and busyness stifle the growth of people and the progress of organizations.

Additionally, millions of people suffer the consequences of divorce or abuse because people close to them have never learned how to properly connect with one another.

Whether from a boss or a co-worker or a family member, people put up with far too much drama because one person doesn't understand how to shift gears and become present.

Being present is an art form. People can actually learn how to connect well. While some people are naturally good at it, others struggle mightily. Yet those who practice can become masters at being in the right gear at the right time. These are people who know themselves and lead themselves and benefit from the influence and respect that follows.

We are tired of seeing people run over others, tired of dads and moms not being present with their children. We consistently see the disconnections of bosses from those they lead and the lack of awareness that comes from busy adults married to their tasks and missing the point and their lives.

These behaviors are precisely why we have written this book. The world is going through unparalleled cultural upheaval right now and we want to provide practical solutions that transform behavior in adults who have begun to become self-aware of their disconnected lives and trade them in by learning the art of being present.

Relational intelligence is the future competitive advantage for leaders. In the new world the capacity to establish, develop, and maintain key relationships both inside and outside your organization is going to become the primary currency of leadership influence. Relationships are more important than ever.

Be honest about your relational reality.

Do you know what it's like to be on the other side of you?

Do you know how to connect with people in every social context?

Are you easy to connect with in your work setting?

Do people like being around you?

Are you able to be physically and emotionally present with people even when you have tight deadlines?

Do you always have to win?

Have you truly ever experienced being present with someone else?

Do you know how to slow down enough to hear what someone else is saying?

These are the questions that will differentiate the leaders of the future. IQ and hard skills are essential but they are no longer enough. When you learn to grow your relational competency—the ability to connect with others and be present—then you will be able to build long-term relationships and obtain a world of opportunity that most will miss.

5 Gears is a power book. It has the power to, if implemented, literally transform the relationships of those you love the most and help you become a significant leader at work and in your community. It is a simple but deep metaphor that is sticky, practical, and usable, if you take the time to insert the language and use the system in all five circles of influence—personal, family, team, organization, and community.

IF. If you can admit to the areas in your life where you tend to disconnect and if you are willing to deal with them, then you are on your way. If you are willing to acknowledge your lack of presence in the lives of those around you, and if you're willing to reorder your days to become significant through the power that lies with the 5 Gears, transformation will be yours.

This resource will help you:

Learn how to be present in the lives of those you live with or lead

Learn how to shift gears in order to connect well

Increase your influence as you become more self-aware about yourself and others

Create a system for communication in teams, families, and organizations

Eliminate drama that comes from busy lives and self-absorption

Experience peace because you are engaged, connected, and present

We believe that the emotionally relevant and relationally connected person has a competitive advantage over others simply because the socially awkward, relationally disconnected person misses so much opportunity in their everyday task-driven world.

Our goal is to help you fully experience the joys of leading and living well. We hope to help you become significant and memorable in all areas of your life, and we have created a metaphor and a concept called the 5 Gears that we are using and sharing with thousands of people around the world. The metaphor is based on a manual stick-shift transmission, with each gear correlating to a corresponding behavior that people shift into at certain times and with certain people. The goal of the metaphor is to help you create a language with actual symbols that are used to change the way you live and lead.

Is this a leadership book? Yes. However, it is more than that. It is a book for everyone. We have found that this book is as helpful for the stay-at-home mom who wants more for her family as it is for the professional woman trying to balance work and life. This system is as powerful for the busy executive who desires to manage work–life balance issues as it is for students and youth desiring to become the leaders of the future.

The 5 Gears concept was born out of our own failures and strengths. The very idea was created out of observation: Why do we do what we do? Why, at times, would Jeremie have a hard time personally recharging or staying focused long enough to complete a task? Or why would Steve shift into work mode and miss the opportunity to connect fully with someone he is meeting with?

In our own business, GiANT Worldwide, we began to apply this concept regularly to help the leaders we were serving reconnect with their families, or to help them create a new language to handle work–life balance, or to give them a system to become more effective with their teammates at work. Simply put, we have taken our own inability to connect well or be present and have created a new language and a system that will allow you to experience the same breakthroughs that we, along with thousands of leaders, have experienced.

To give you a taste of what could happen we thought it best to share a story of how 5 Gears has impacted the life of an HR executive named Heather, and how it continues to help her create a language and system for growth, both at work and at home. Though some of the vocabulary in this story may seem unfamiliar at first, we are laying the groundwork for your own personal revelation by showing you right away how the 5 Gears leads to transformation. Her words will define and describe what could happen to you in all your relationships when you implement the ideas in this book into your life.

My name is Heather and I want to share the story of how the 5 Gears has helped me make a really critical discovery about myself, something that should have been common sense but wasn't. I was failing to spend much time in 1st gear/recharge and 2nd gear/connect in my life. No wonder I have been so tired and frustrated! And no wonder I gained back the 50 pounds I lost back in 2010! I wasn't taking the necessary time for me. I was operating mostly in 4th gear/task and 5th gear/focus mode in all circles of influence and in all situations and circumstances.

This tool has changed my life! It allowed me the opportunity to really take a long look in the mirror to see what it has been like to be on the other side of me. I'm a wife, a mother to two young daughters (ages five and eight), a daughter, a friend, an executive, a community member, a Christian, and a board member, to name a few roles. I found myself pretty constantly operating in 4th and 5th gears in each of these roles. The result, aside from being completely exhausted, was that I was failing to really connect with the people in my life—especially my family. I realized this and took accountability for it. No wonder my marriage was falling apart. No wonder my husband didn't even want to hear about my day or my work. No wonder my kids were bored and starting to act out. I wasn't connecting with them. And I didn't even realize it! But, after being introduced to this tool, I had the ability to make that realization and know myself, to better lead myself so that I could change my tendencies, which changed my behaviors and, ultimately, changed reality…especially for my family.

In the corporate world, we are conditioned to work excessive hours and be accessible 24/7/365. This tool helped me to connect to others in healthy ways, and to disconnect appropriately from work. In fact, it's unhealthy to not disconnect. So, after making this discovery (actually during the Liberating Leader Tour in October 2014), I decided to make some small, but substantial changes in my life. For example, when I leave work, once I get in my car, I turn off email on my phone. It does not go back on until I arrive at work in the morning. I'm not that important. I don't need to respond to messages at all hours of the day and night. Do you want to know what happened? It's the strangest thing! I get far fewer messages in the evenings and on weekends now. Without knowing it, I had actually conditioned our teams to contact me anytime they felt like it…because I would always reply! Now, if there is an urgent issue out of normal business hours, they know to call me. Otherwise, they know that I will respond to messages during working hours. Of course there are exceptions when, based on workload or urgent situations, I work in the evening or on the weekend…but now, I get my family's permission first!

It has been a liberating realization and experience for me. And the best part is knowing that this is perfectly acceptable. How can I have work–life balance if I'm always accessible, always checking messages, and always responding? I can't! I have the 5 Gears hanging on my wall…at work and at home. It's a reminder for me and gives those around me a way to call me out when I need it by simply using language and holding up 1 or 2 whenever I need to shift into the right gear. Thank you for introducing this powerful metaphor!

5 Gears is for you to use in the radical transformation of your relationships, time, and leadership. Once you read it, come back to this story and then add your own at www.5gears.me. We have created this link for you to share your transformation from being disconnected to connected, socially unaware to aware, and distant to present.

We hope you read our book with the expectation that certain frustrations about yourself or others can be overcome. We believe that you can experience a breakthrough that is profound, and, when you do, we hope you will teach the 5 Gears to everyone that you impact. Give a copy to others, and set up a system of new language that is relevant in your family or organization.

In the end we cannot wait to read your story of transformation and relational connection as you move to a new level of leadership and living.

Section OneConnectivity

1Driving Too Fast

A hard-charging, 40-year-old executive was leaving work, late again. For weeks, his wife had requested that he try to make it home for a hot meal with their three kids before the children got ready for bed. The request didn't seem too unreasonable, but for some reason it was very difficult for the CEO husband to be consistent with this basic level of commitment during this period of his life.

The husband was leading a national company that had a lot of moving parts, employees, and investors. Outside of the normal business he was also in the middle of a possible acquisition, while at the same time working on divesting a portion of the company. Needless to say, his mind was elsewhere for months, as he juggled calls with attorneys and partners, while also managing the day-to-day.

On many occasions the husband would text his wife to say he was on his way home, which was partially true. His stall tactic was pulling in to his neighborhood swim/tennis parking lot to finish up his phone calls before making the final 500 feet to his house. The texts would keep piling in from his wife, “Where are you?” His “almost there” reply made him feel as if he was being truthful. But it was her inevitable, frustrated response, “We are eating without you,” that prompted him to end the call with the attorney, pull into his driveway and make his way inside, always with an apologetic monologue to his family and a shoulder shrug to his wife. “It's been crazy busy,” he would casually mutter.

The problem is that this event was not a one-time occurrence; it was becoming a habit, or rather a pattern. His über-patient wife was sincere in her desire to simply be together for at least an hour or so a day, since life's schedule had been equally crazy for her with their three children. As the husband grabbed his plate with haste, the comment from his wife made him shudder—“We need to talk!”

Dinner was not pleasant as the busy father faked his way through the conversation with the kids, while juggling thoughts of a possible tiff with his wife, along with the continued pressures of the work that needed to be completed that evening.

Once the kids were down for the night, the guilty husband staggered into their sitting room with a soft-spoken, “Hey,” to his irritated but persistent wife.

“This has got to stop,” she started. “Every single night I feel as if I am battling with you to simply be consistent. You tell me you will be home at a certain time and then it changes,” she shared. “Why is it so hard to do what you say you are going to do?”

Hearing that last comment hurt the husband. She was definitely right. He would tell her he would be home at one time and then miss it completely. In his mind, he would apologize and promise to do better, which was his pattern. She continued to plead her case, as this appetizer of facts was setting the tone for the entrée of frustration and truth telling.

As he began to respond with a litany of excuses, she held up her hand and said, “Wait.” Time seemed to slow and it threw the husband for a loop as his mind raced to think about what to say next. She continued, “The real issue is this. When you are with us, you are not really with us. It's like work is consuming you, and you never turn off.”

“Ouch!” he thought.

“Do you know that when you are with the kids, they are only getting the obligated father-talk version of you? You're going through the motions, doing what you are supposed to do, but not engaging with them, with the real you.” She spoke this truth clearly and emphatically. She was being honest with her tone and words in order to state the reality with hopes of a deep conversation that would lead to a change in their family dynamics.

He knew she was right, but most men do not want to feel scolded. While his first internal thought was, “I know, you are so right,” his defensiveness and pride supplanted any attempt to respond to her frustrations with remorse. He felt judged and misunderstood as thoughts began to emerge in his head: “She doesn't know how much I have on my plate. Doesn't she know how hard I am working to provide for the family?”

His mind caused him to not be present for the last half of her diatribe. He knew he had hurt her, but his irrational mind began creating a defensive wall, and soon he began to lob an emotional tirade back to her to justify his actions.

“Do you really not know what I have been doing?” he jabbed. “I have been working my tail off on an acquisition that could change our life forever. Don't you realize what this could mean for our family?” He went on like a defense lawyer, stating, “I need your support, not your judgment. It feels like you are not here for me.” The husband did his best to counter her argument with a personal attack to cause her to retract her statements.

What it caused, instead, were tears. She walked away wounded, as her hopes for responsiveness from her husband were discarded and replaced with embellishment and irrational arguments. The husband paced around his home office steaming, as he tried to justify his words. A feeling of deep regret settled over him as he realized the pain he had inflicted. In his heart, he knew that he was an idiot and that she was right, but he used the moment to defend himself instead of solving the issue.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Any of you ever experienced this first hand?

I know this story well, because this defensive, pride-filled CEO/husband was actually me (Jeremie), and I am at times a master of turning my wife's truth into needless drama.

What I should have said was, “Wow, I am so sorry. I know that I have promised to be home on time, but I keep missing my mark.” That would have soothed some of the frustration. If I had communicated correctly and honestly, she would have heard me continue with this: “I know that my mind has been stuck on work a lot lately. There is just so much going on with the acquisition and divestiture. Honestly, I really need help. I feel overwhelmed and could use your voice in my life to help me think through all of this and plan our days and my work more effectively.”

That, my friends, would have turned an irritated wife into a helpful partner. Instead, I turned a frustrated wife into a frustrated, exasperated wife! Not good.

Running People Over

The episode I just recounted is indicative of most leaders and married couples that I know. Can you relate?

Miscommunication exponentially grows with busy lives, the consumption of technology, the pressures of work, and the desires and expectations of raising healthy families or having good friendships. And these issues are not only synonymous with married couples. Most adults I know struggle with managing tasks, friends, family, and personal entertainment. Each of you could surely add your own story either personally or stories from others in your life or business and how difficult it has been to stay connected and be truly present.

It is not that we want to run people over, and yet we often do. We drive 50 miles an hour in a 20 mile-an-hour speed zone without being aware. People tend to be consumed by schedules and agendas and often run right over those we care about the most. When someone feels the pressure of a deadline or fears the roar of a boss's voice, it is natural to shift focus to alleviating the immediate concern rather than focus on our long-term relationships. The urgent pressure trumps the important relationships most of the time, which tends to steal, kill, and destroy our presence to those we are closest to most of the time.

Conversely, when we are fully present at the right place and right time, those we are with get our best. At our best we can normally meet the needs of those we love, help others with anything they need, and bring health into work cultures or the home. In her appeal, my wife was actually honoring me. She was basically saying, “Jeremie, we love you, but we are not getting the real you. You are amazing with our kids, but work is stealing you away from what we need in our family right now.”

I was running over my family because of the pressures of work and the new habits I had formed as it related to work without the ability to turn it off. People run over other people when they are not present or focused on the person or people they are with in the moment. This is where most influence is undermined as people get tired of getting run over. Eventually people move away from those who are not present to others who have more life and less drama.

Social Miscues

Social miscues happen everyday. Do you know that guy who is always on? He wakes up early and sends a few zinger emails to rattle the cages of those he works with? When he gets to the office, instead of offering a “Good morning” to his team, he asks, “Did you get my email?” This is the guy who never turns off at work or at home. And he does not normally realize this fact; he just consistently runs people over with his incessant task-driven approach to life.

“You are talking about me,” some of you might say. “You just described my husband,” others are thinking.

This is not solely a work issue. We see it every day in social settings as people tire of the social miscues of bosses, co-workers, neighbors, school parents, friends, and family.

What about the person who is always talking about the kids—I mean always. They incessantly share every detail with anyone who is in front of them, focused on the story more than the work. The obviously stuck listener works diligently to lay hints that they need to go without any reception from the child-obsessed talker.

“That is definitely my sister,” some of you chuckle. “I know a dozen of these people,” others say.

The majority of people are not aware of their social awkwardness and give little time to thinking about what gear the other person is in while they are talking. People don't mean to run each other over, but the truth is that we can all have moments when we are in a different gear than the other person. Our minds can easily get stuck in work mode or kid stories or random thoughts and we can, unknowingly, run others over with our chatter and self-absorption.

Everywhere we look, people show their lack of social competency. Whether it is speaking at the wrong time, failing to listen to those speaking directly to them, or ignoring the most obvious social hints, unawareness is pandemic.

We can all have moments of disconnection when we are in a different gear than the other person.

It usually gets worse in the office environment. Some leaders become different people the moment they walk into an office setting. For some they shift into the “dominator” mode as they bark orders, forget about an employee's birthday, or send emails that would make their mother blush.

Recently I heard a story about a chairman sharing his desire to improve company culture at a board meeting. When another executive began asking some probing questions about his thoughts, the chairman swiveled and responded in absolute terms that no one should question his authority to get things accomplished. His tantrum was preposterous to everyone but the chairman. The executive had just been blasted in front of all the others. You could see the singe marks on his suit as his blushing cheeks showed his embarrassment. The rest of the executives went back into hiding in their shells of protection to make sure that never happened to them.

Whether it is a young teenager behind a register talking on a cell phone to a friend at work, or one family member asking awkward questions to another, social miscues are embarrassing and infuriating and cause disconnection.

You can actually sit in an airport or a restaurant or an office and find dozens of examples of social awkwardness. While some people are truly born with social and relational dysfunction, others are simply either lazy or too busy to stop and notice. Lazy people have given up on self-improvement, personal growth, or relational connectivity. That leaves the majority completely unaware because they are in too much of a hurry to stop, analyze, and change. When a person's agenda is the driving force of their life, then they are going to run over people most of the time unless they learn to use their brakes and downshift.

Disconnections

This social behavior creates disconnections, which lead to the consequences of fighting, discord, and an overall lack of harmony in relationships, both personally and professionally. All of these issues cost organizations and people as these disconnections breed drama and frustration. So what causes these disconnections and how can you avoid them? Why do some people have the ability to connect while others have the distinction of being disconnected most of the time?

The guy who walks up to you in a social setting but looks beyond you to find out who else is in the room. That is a disconnection. What about the woman who is constantly hinting at something without stating her true expectations? That is a disconnection.

Humans crave connectivity. We have to have it in order to thrive and exist, regardless of introversion or extroversion. And though we desire to be connected, we have certain life experiences, hardwiring in our personalities, and histories of personal choices that have shaped our ability to connect appropriately or otherwise struggle through painful disconnection.