The Absentee - Maria Edgeworth - ebook

Lord Colambre finds that his mother Lady Clonbrony's attempts to buy her way into the high society of London are only ridiculed, while his father, Lord Clonbrony, is in serious debt as a result of his wife's lifestyle. His mother wishes him to marry an heiress, Miss Broadhurst, who is a friend of Grace Nugent. However, Colambre has already fallen in love with his cousin, Grace Nugent, who lives with the family as a companion to Lady Clonbrony. Worried that his mother will pressure him into a marriage with someone he does not love, Colambre decides to leave the London social scene and visit his ancestral home in County Wicklow in Ireland.

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Maria Edgeworth

Maria Edgeworth

The Absentee

New Edition




New Edition

Published by Fractal Press

This Edition first published in 2016

Copyright © 2016 Fractal Press

All Rights Reserved.























In August 1811, we are told, she wrote a little play about landlords and tenants for the children of her sister, Mrs. Beddoes. Mr. Edgeworth tried to get the play produced on the London boards. Writing to her aunt, Mrs. Ruxton, Maria says, ‘Sheridan has answered as I foresaw he must, that in the present state of this country the Lord Chamberlain would not license THE ABSENTEE; besides there would be a difficulty in finding actors for so many Irish characters.’ The little drama was then turned into a story, by Mr. Edgeworth’s advice. Patronage was laid aside for the moment, and THE ABSENTEE appeared in its place in the second part of TALES OF FASHIONABLE LIFE. We all know Lord Macaulay’s verdict upon this favourite story of his, the last scene of which he specially admired and compared to the ODYSSEY. [Lord Macaulay was not the only notable admirer of THE ABSENTEE. The present writer remembers hearing Professor Ruskin on one occasion break out in praise and admiration of the book. ‘You can learn more by reading it of Irish politics,’ he said, ‘than from a thousand columns out of blue-books.’] Mrs. Edgeworth tells us that much of it was written while Maria was suffering a misery of toothache.

Miss Edgeworth’s own letters all about this time are much more concerned with sociabilities than with literature. We read of a pleasant dance at Mrs. Burke’s; of philosophers at sport in Connemara; of cribbage, and company, and country houses, and Lord Longford’s merry anecdotes during her visit to him. Miss Edgeworth, who scarcely mentions her own works, seems much interested at this time in a book called MARY AND HER CAT, which she is reading with some of the children.

Little scraps of news (I cannot resist quoting one or two of them) come in oddly mixed with these personal records of work and family talk. ‘There is news of the Empress (Marie Louise), who is liked not at all by the Parisians; she is too haughty, and sits back in her carriage when she goes through the streets. ‘Of Josephine, who is living very happily, amusing herself with her gardens and her shrubberies.’ This ci-devant Empress and Kennedy and Co., the seedsmen, are in partnership, says Miss Edgeworth. And then among the lists of all the grand people Maria meets in London in 1813 (Madame de Stael is mentioned as expected), she gives an interesting account of an actual visitor, Peggy Langan, who was grand-daughter to Thady in CASTLE RACKRENT. Peggy went to England with Mrs. Beddoes, and was for thirty years in the service of Mrs. Haldimand we are told, and was own sister to Simple Susan.

The story of THE ABSENTEE is a very simple one, and concerns Irish landlords living in England, who ignore their natural duties and station in life, and whose chief ambition is to take their place in the English fashionable world. The grand English ladies are talking of Lady Clonbrony.

‘”If you knew all she endures to look, speak, move, breathe like an Englishwoman, you would pity her,”’ said Lady Langdale.

‘”Yes, and you CAWNT conceive the PEENS she TEEKES to talk of the TEEBLES and CHEERS, and to thank Q, and, with so much TEESTE, to speak pure English,”’ said Mrs. Dareville.

‘”Pure cockney, you mean,” said Lady Langdale.’

Lord Colambre, the son of the lady in question, here walks across the room, not wishing to listen to any more strictures upon his mother. He is the very most charming of walking gentlemen, and when stung by conscience he goes off to Ireland, disguised in a big cloak, to visit his father’s tenantry and to judge for himself of the state of affairs, all our sympathies go with him. On his way he stops at Tusculum, scarcely less well known than its classical namesake. He is entertained by Mrs. Raffarty, that esthetical lady who is determined to have a little ‘taste’ of everything at Tusculum. She leads the way into a little conservatory, and a little pinery, and a little grapery, and a little aviary, and a little pheasantry, and a little dairy for show, and a little cottage for ditto, with a grotto full of shells, and a little hermitage full of earwigs, and a little ruin full of looking-glass, to enlarge and multiply the effect of the Gothic.... But you could only put your head in, because it was just fresh painted, and though there had been a fire ordered in the ruin all night, it had only smoked.

‘As they proceeded and walked through the grounds, from which Mrs. Raffarty, though she had done her best, could not take that which nature had given, she pointed out to my lord “a happy moving termination,” consisting of a Chinese bridge, with a fisherman leaning over the rails. On a sudden, the fisherman was seen to tumble over the bridge into the water. The gentlemen ran to extricate the poor fellow, while they heard Mrs. Raffarty bawling to his lordship to beg he would never mind, and not trouble himself.

‘When they arrived at the bridge, they saw the man hanging from part of the bridge, and apparently struggling in the water; but when they attempted to pull him up, they found it was only a stuffed figure which had been pulled into the stream by a real fish, which had seized hold of the bait.’

The dinner-party is too long to quote, but it is written in Miss Edgeworth’s most racy and delightful vein of fun.

One more little fact should not be omitted in any mention of THE ABSENTEE. One of the heroines is Miss Broadhurst, the heiress. The Edgeworth family were much interested, soon after the book appeared, to hear that a real living Miss Broadhurst, an heiress, had appeared upon the scenes, and was, moreover, engaged to be married to Sneyd Edgeworth, one of the eldest sons of the family. In the story, says Mrs. Edgeworth, Miss Broadhurst selects from her lovers one who ‘unites worth and wit,’ and then she goes on to quote an old epigram of Mr. Edgeworth’s on himself, which concluded with,’There’s an Edge to his wit and there’s worth in his heart.’

Mr. Edgeworth, who was as usual busy building church spires for himself and other people, abandoned his engineering for a time to criticise his daughter’s story, and he advised that the conclusion of THE ABSENTEE should be a letter from Larry the postilion. ‘He wrote one, she wrote another,’ says Mrs. Edgeworth. ‘He much preferred hers, which is the admirable finale of THE ABSENTEE.’ And just about this time Lord Ross is applied to, to frank the Edgeworth manuscripts.

‘I cannot by any form of words express how delighted I am that you are none of you angry with me,’ writes modest Maria to her cousin, Miss Ruxton, ‘and that my uncle and aunt are pleased with what they have read of THE ABSENTEE. I long to hear whether their favour continues to the end, and extends to the catastrophe, that dangerous rock upon which poor authors are wrecked.’



‘Are you to be at Lady Clonbrony’s gala next week?’ said Lady Langdale to Mrs. Dareville, whilst they were waiting for their carriages in the crush-room of the opera house.

‘Oh yes! everybody’s to be there, I hear,’ replied Mrs. Dareville. ‘Your ladyship, of course?’

‘Why, I don’t know—if I possibly can. Lady Clonbrony makes it such a point with me, that I believe I must look in upon her for a few minutes. They are going to a prodigious expense on this occasion. Soho tells me the reception rooms are all to be new furnished, and in the most magnificent style.’

‘At what a famous rate those Clonbronies are dashing on,’ said Colonel Heathcock. ‘Up to anything.’

‘Who are they?—these Clonbronies, that one hears of so much of late’ said her Grace of Torcaster. ‘Irish absentees I know. But how do they support all this enormous expense?’

‘The son WILL have a prodigiously fine estate when some Mr. Quin dies,’ said Mrs. Dareville.

‘Yes, everybody who comes from Ireland WILL have a fine estate when somebody dies,’ said her grace. ‘But what have they at present?’

‘Twenty thousand a year, they say,’ replied Mrs. Dareville.

‘Ten thousand, I believe,’ cried Lady Langdale. ‘Make it a rule, you know, to believe only half the world says.’

‘Ten thousand, have they?—possibly,’ said her grace. ‘I know nothing about them—have no acquaintance among the Irish. Torcaster knows something of Lady Clonbrony; she has fastened herself, by some means, upon him: but I charge him not to COMMIT me. Positively, I could not for anybody—and much less for that sort of person—extend the circle of my acquaintance.’

‘Now that is so cruel of your grace,’ said Mrs. Dareville, laughing, ‘when poor Lady Clonbrony works so hard, and pays so high, to get into certain circles.’

‘If you knew all she endures, to look, speak, move, breathe like an Englishwoman, you would pity her,’ said Lady Langdale.

‘Yes, and you CAWNT conceive the PEENS she TEEKES to talk of the TEEBLES and CHEERS, and to thank Q, and, with so much TEESTE, to speak pure English,’ said Mrs. Dareville.

‘Pure cockney, you mean,’ said Lady Langdale.

‘But why does Lady Clonbrony want to pass for English?’ said the duchess.

‘Oh! because she is not quite Irish. BRED AND BORN—only bred, not born,’ said Mrs. Dareville. ‘And she could not be five minutes in your grace’s company before she would tell you, that she was HENGLISH, born in HOXFORDSHIRE.’

‘She must be a vastly amusing personage. I should like to meet her, if one could see and hear her incog.,’ said the duchess. ‘And Lord Clonbrony, what is he?’

‘Nothing, nobody,’ said Mrs. Dareville; ‘one never even hears of him.’

‘A tribe of daughters, too, I suppose?’

‘No, no,’ said Lady Langdale, ‘daughters would be past all endurance.’

‘There’s a cousin, though, a Grace Nugent,’ said Mrs. Dareville, ‘that Lady Clonbrony has with her.’

‘Best part of her, too,’ said Colonel Heathcock; ‘d-d fine girl!—never saw her look better than at the opera to-night!’

‘Fine COMPLEXION! as Lady Clonbrony says, when she means a high colour,’ said Lady Langdale.

‘Grace Nugent is not a lady’s beauty,’ said Mrs. Dareville. ‘Has she any fortune, colonel?’

‘’Pon honour, don’t know,’ said the colonel.

‘There’s a son, somewhere, is not there?’ said Lady Langdale.

‘Don’t know, ‘pon honour,’ replied the colonel.

‘Yes—at Cambridge—not of age yet,’ said Mrs. Dareville. ‘Bless me! here is Lady Clonbrony come back. I thought she was gone half an hour ago!’

‘Mamma,’ whispered one of Lady Langdale’s daughters, leaning between her mother and Mrs. Dareville, ‘who is that gentleman that passed us just now?’

‘Which way?’

‘Towards the door. There now, mamma, you can see him. He is speaking to Lady Clonbrony—to Miss Nugent. Now Lady Clonbrony is introducing him to Miss Broadhurst.’

‘I see him now,’ said Lady Langdale, examining him through her glass; ‘a very gentlemanlike-looking young man, indeed.’

‘Not an Irishman, I am sure, by his manner,’ said her grace.

‘Heathcock!’ said Lady Langdale, ‘who is Miss Broadhurst talking to?’

‘Eh! now really—’pon honour—don’t know,’ replied Heathcock.

‘And yet he certainly looks like somebody one certainly should know,’ pursued Lady Langdale, ‘though I don’t recollect seeing him anywhere before.’

‘Really now!’ was all the satisfaction she could gain from the insensible, immovable colonel. However, her ladyship, after sending a whisper along the line, gained the desired information, that the young gentleman was Lord Colambre, son, only son, of Lord and Lady Clonbrony—that he was just come from Cambridge—that he was not yet of age—that he would be of age within a year—that he would then, after the death of somebody, come into possession of a fine estate, by the mother’s side ‘and therefore, Cat’rine, my dear,’ said she, turning round to the daughter, who had first pointed him out, ‘you understand, we should never talk about other people’s affairs.’

‘No, mamma, never. I hope to goodness, mamma, Lord Colambre did not hear what you and Mrs. Dareville were saying!’

‘How could he, child? He was quite at the other end of the world.’

‘I beg your pardon, ma’am, he was at my elbow, close behind us; but I never thought about him till I heard somebody say, “My lord—”’

‘Good heavens! I hope he didn’t hear.’

‘But, for my part, I said nothing,’ cried Lady Langdale.

‘And for my part, I said nothing but what everybody knows!’ cried Mrs. Dareville.

‘And for my part, I am guilty only of hearing,’ said the duchess. ‘Do, pray, Colonel Heathcock, have the goodness to see what my people are about, and what chance we have of getting away to-night.’

‘The Duchess of Torcaster’s carriage stops the way!’—a joyful sound to Colonel Heathcock and to her grace, and not less agreeable, at this instant, to Lady Langdale, who, the moment she was disembarrassed of the duchess, pressed through the crowd to Lady Clonbrony, and, addressing her with smiles and complacency, was ‘charmed to have a little moment to speak to her—could NOT sooner get through the crowd—would certainly do herself the honour to be at her ladyship’s gala on Wednesday.’ While Lady Langdale spoke, she never seemed to see or think of anybody but Lady Clonbrony, though, all the time, she was intent upon every motion of Lord Colambre, and, whilst she was obliged to listen with a face of sympathy to a long complaint of Lady Clonbrony’s, about Mr. Soho’s want of taste in ottomans, she was vexed to perceive that his lordship showed no desire to be introduced to her, or to her daughters; but, on the contrary, was standing talking to Miss Nugent. His mother, at the end of her speech, looked round for Colambre called him twice before he heard—introduced him to Lady Langdale, and to Lady Cat’rine, and Lady Anne—, and to Mrs. Dareville; to all of whom he bowed with an air of proud coldness, which gave them reason to regret that their remarks upon his mother and his family had not been made SOTTO VOCE.

‘Lady Langdale’s carriage stops the way!’ Lord Colambre made no offer of his services, notwithstanding a look from his mother. Incapable of the meanness of voluntarily listening to a conversation not intended for him to hear, he had, however, been compelled, by the pressure of the crowd, to remain a few minutes stationary, where he could not avoid hearing the remarks of the fashionable friends. Disdaining dissimulation, he made no attempt to conceal his displeasure. Perhaps his vexation was increased by his consciousness that there was some mixture of truth in their sarcasms. He was sensible that his mother, in some points—her manners, for instance—was oblivious to ridicule and satire. In Lady Clonbrony’s address there was a mixture of constraint, affectation, and indecision, unusual in a person of her birth, rank, and knowledge of the world. A natural and unnatural manner seemed struggling in all her gestures, and in every syllable that she articulated—a naturally free, familiar, good-natured, precipitate, Irish manner, had been schooled, and schooled late in life, into a sober, cold, still, stiff deportment, which she mistook for English. A strong, Hibernian accent, she had, with infinite difficulty, changed into an English tone. Mistaking reverse of wrong for right, she caricatured the English pronunciation; and the extraordinary precision of her London phraseology betrayed her not to be a Londoner, as the man, who strove to pass for an Athenian, was detected by his Attic dialect. Not aware of her real danger, Lady Clonbrony was, on the opposite side, in continual apprehension, every time she opened her lips, lest some treacherous A or E, some strong R, some puzzling aspirate, or non-aspirate, some unguarded note, interrogative or expostulatory, should betray her to be an Irishwoman. Mrs. Dareville had, in her mimickry, perhaps a little exaggerated as to the TEEBLES and CHEERS, but still the general likeness of the representation of Lady Clonbrony was strong enough to strike and vex her son. He had now, for the first time, an opportunity of judging of the estimation in which his mother and his family were held by certain leaders of the ton, of whom, in her letters, she had spoken so much, and into whose society, or rather into whose parties, she had been admitted. He saw that the renegade cowardice, with which she denied, abjured, and reviled her own country, gained nothing but ridicule and contempt. He loved his mother; and, whilst he endeavoured to conceal her faults and foibles as much as possible from his own heart, he could not endure those who dragged them to light and ridicule. The next morning the first thing that occurred to Lord Colambre’s remembrance when he awoke was the sound of the contemptuous emphasis which had been laid on the words IRISH ABSENTEES! This led to recollections of his native country, to comparisons of past and present scenes, to future plans of life. Young and careless as he seemed, Lord Colambre was capable of serious reflection. Of naturally quick and strong capacity, ardent affections, impetuous temper, the early years of his childhood passed at his father’s castle in Ireland, where, from the lowest servant to the well-dressed dependant of the family, everybody had conspired to wait upon, to fondle, to flatter, to worship, this darling of their lord. Yet he was not spoiled—not rendered selfish. For, in the midst of this flattery and servility, some strokes of genuine generous affection had gone home to his little heart; and, though unqualified submission had increased the natural impetuosity of his temper, and though visions of his future grandeur had touched his infant thought, yet, fortunately, before he acquired any fixed habits of insolence or tyranny, he was carried far away from all that were bound or willing to submit to his commands, far away from all signs of hereditary grandeur—plunged into one of our great public schools—into a new world. Forced to struggle, mind and body, with his equals, his rivals, the little lord became a spirited schoolboy, and, in time, a man. Fortunately for him, science and literature happened to be the fashion among a set of clever young men with whom he was at Cambridge. His ambition for intellectual superiority was raised, his views were enlarged, his tastes and his manners formed. The sobriety of English good sense mixed most advantageously with Irish vivacity; English prudence governed, but did not extinguish his Irish enthusiasm. But, in fact, English and Irish had not been invidiously contrasted in his mind: he had been so long resident in England, and so intimately connected with Englishmen, that he was not oblivious to any of the commonplace ridicule thrown upon Hibernians; and he had lived with men who were too well informed and liberal to misjudge or depreciate a sister country. He had found, from experience, that, however reserved the English may be in manner, they are warm at heart; that, however averse they may be from forming new acquaintance, their esteem and confidence once gained, they make the most solid friends. He had formed friendships in England; he was fully sensible of the superior comforts, refinement, and information, of English society; but his own country was endeared to him by early association, and a sense of duty and patriotism attached him to Ireland. And shall I too be an absentee? was a question which resulted from these reflections—a question which he was not yet prepared to answer decidedly. In the meantime, the first business of the morning was to execute a commission for a Cambridge friend. Mr. Berryl had bought from Mr. Mordicai, a famous London coachmaker, a curricle, WARRANTED SOUND, for which he had paid a sound price, upon express condition that Mr. Mordicai, BARRING ACCIDENTS, should be answerable for all repairs of the curricle for six months. In three, both the carriage and body were found to be good for nothing—the curricle had been returned to Mr. Mordicai—nothing had since been heard of it, or from him—and Lord Colambre had undertaken to pay him and it a visit, and to make all proper inquiries. Accordingly, he went to the coachmaker’s, and, obtaining no satisfaction from the underlings, desired to see the head of the house. He was answered, that Mr. Mordicai was not at home. His lordship had never seen Mr. Mordicai; but, just then, he saw, walking across the yard, a man, who looked something like a Bond Street coxcomb, but not the least like a gentleman, who called, in the tone of a master, for ‘Mr. Mordicai’s barouche!’ It appeared; and he was stepping into it when Lord Colambre took the liberty of stopping him; and, pointing to the wreck of Mr. Berryl’s curricle, now standing in the yard, began a statement of his friend’s grievances, and an appeal to common justice and conscience, which he, unknowing the nature of the man with whom he had to deal, imagined must be irresistible. Mr. Mordicai stood without moving a muscle of his dark wooden face. Indeed, in his face there appeared to be no muscles, or none which could move; so that, though he had what are generally called handsome features, there was, all together, something unnatural and shocking in his countenance. When, at last, his eyes turned, and his lips opened, this seemed to be done by machinery, and not by the will of a living creature, or from the impulse of a rational soul. Lord Colambre was so much struck with this strange physiognomy, that he actually forgot much he had to say of springs and wheels. But it was no matter. Whatever he had said, it would have come to the same thing; and Mordicai would have answered as he now did—

‘Sir, it was my partner made that bargain, not myself; and I don’t hold myself bound by it, for he is the sleeping-partner only, and not empowered to act in the way of business. Had Mr. Berryl bargained with me, I should have told him that he should have looked to these things before his carriage went out of our yard.’

The indignation of Lord Colambre kindled at these words—but in vain. To all that indignation could by word or look urge against Mordicai, he replied—

‘Maybe so, sir; the law is open to your friend—the law is open to all men who can pay for it.’

Lord Colambre turned in despair from the callous coach-maker, and listened to one of his more compassionate-looking workmen, who was reviewing the disabled curricle; and, whilst he was waiting to know the sum of his friend’s misfortune, a fat, jolly, Falstaff looking personage came into the yard, accosted Mordicai with a degree of familiarity, which, from a gentleman, appeared to Lord Colambre to be almost impossible.

‘How are you, Mordicai, my good fellow?’ cried he, speaking with a strong Irish accent.

‘Who is this?’ whispered Lord Colambre to the foreman, who was examining the curricle.

‘Sir Terence O’Fay, sir. There must be entire new wheels.’

‘Now tell me, my tight fellow,’ continued Sir Terence, holding Mordicai fast, ‘when, in the name of all the saints, good or bad, in the calendar, do you reckon to let us sport the SUICIDE?’

Mordicai forcibly drew his mouth into what he meant for a smile, and answered, ‘As soon as possible, Sir Terence.’

Sir Terence, in a tone of jocose, wheedling expostulation, entreated him to have the carriage finished OUT OF HAND. ‘Ah, now! Mordy, my precious! let us have it by the birthday, and come and dine with us o’ Monday, at the Hibernian Hotel—there’s a rare one—will you?’

Mordicai accepted the invitation, and promised faithfully that the SUICIDE should be finished by the birthday. Sir Terence shook hands upon this promise, and, after telling a good story, which made one of the workmen in the yard—an Irishman—grin with delight, walked off. Mordicai, first waiting till the knight was out of hearing, called aloud—

‘You grinning rascal! mind, at your peril, and don’t let that there carriage be touched, d’ye see, till further orders.’

One of Mr. Mordicai’s clerks, with a huge long-feathered pen behind his ear, observed that Mr. Mordicai was right in that caution, for that, to the best of his comprehension, Sir Terence O’Fay and his principal, too, were over head and ears in debt.

Mordicai coolly answered that he was well aware of that; but that the estate could afford to dip further; that, for his part, he was under no apprehension; he knew how to look sharp, and to bite before he was bit. That he knew Sir Terence and his principal were leagued together to give the creditors THE GO BY, but that, clever as they both were at that work, he trusted he was their match.

‘Will you be so good, sir, to finish making out this estimate for me?’ interrupted Lord Colambre.

‘Immediately, sir. Sixty-nine pound four, and the perch. Let us see—Mr. Mordicai, ask him, ask Paddy, about Sir Terence,’ said the foreman, pointing back over his shoulder to the Irish workman, who was at this moment pretending to be wondrous hard at work. However, when Mr. Mordicai defied him to tell him anything he did not know, Paddy, parting with an untasted bit of tobacco, began, and recounted some of Sir Terence O’Fay’s exploits in evading duns, replevying cattle, fighting sheriffs, bribing SUBS, managing cants, tricking CUSTODEES, in language so strange, and with a countenance and gestures so full of enjoyment of the jest, that, whilst Mordicai stood for a moment aghast with astonishment, Lord Colambre could not help laughing, partly at, and partly with, his countryman. All the yard were in a roar of laughter, though they did not understand half of what they heard; but their risible muscles were acted upon mechanically, or maliciously, merely by the sound of the Irish brogue.

Mordicai, waiting till the laugh was over, dryly observed that ‘the law is executed in another guess sort of way in England from what it is in Ireland’; therefore, for his part, he desired nothing better than to set his wits fairly against such SHARKS. That there was a pleasure in doing up a debtor which none but a creditor could know.

‘In a moment, sir; if you’ll have a moment’s patience, sir, if you please,’ said the slow foreman to Lord Colambre; ‘I must go down the pounds once more, and then I’ll let you have it.’

‘I’ll tell you what, Smithfield,’ continued Mr. Mordicai, coming close beside his foreman, and speaking very low, but with a voice trembling with anger, for he was piqued by his foreman’s doubts of his capacity to cope with Sir Terence O’Fay; ‘I’ll tell you what, Smithfield, I’ll be cursed, if I don’t get every inch of them into my power. You know how?’

‘You are the best judge, sir,’ replied the foreman; ‘but I would not undertake Sir Terence; and the question is, whether the estate will answer the LOT of the debts, and whether you know them all for certain?’

‘I do, sir, I tell you. There’s Green there’s Blancham—there’s Gray—there’s Soho—naming several more—and, to my knowledge, Lord Clonbrony—’

‘Stop, sir,’ cried Lord Colambre in a voice which made Mordicai, and everybody present, start—’I am his son—’

‘The devil!’ said Mordicai.

‘God bless every bone in his body, then! he’s an Irishman,’ cried Paddy; ‘and there was the RASON my heart warmed to him from the first minute he come into the yard, though I did not know it till now.’

‘What, sir! are you my Lord Colambre?’ said Mr. Mordicai, recovering, but not clearly recovering, his intellects. ‘I beg pardon, but I did not know you WAS Lord Colambre. I thought you told me you was the friend of Mr. Berryl.’

‘I do not see the incompatibility of the assertion, sir,’ replied Lord Colambre, taking from the bewildered foreman’s unresisting hand the account, which he had been so long FURNISHING.

‘Give me leave, my lord,’ said Mordicai. ‘I beg your pardon, my lord, perhaps we can compromise that business for your friend Mr. Berryl; since he is your lordship’s friend, perhaps we can contrive to COMPROMISE and SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE.’

TO COMPROMISE and SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE, Mordicai thought were favourite phrases, and approved Hibernian modes of doing business, which would conciliate this young Irish nobleman, and dissipate the proud tempest which had gathered and now swelled in his breast.

‘No, sir, no!’ cried Lord Colambre, holding firm the paper. ‘I want no favour from you. I will accept of none for my friend or for myself.’

‘Favour! No, my lord, I should not presume to offer—But I should wish, if you’ll allow me, to do your friend justice.’

Lord Colambre recollecting that he had no right, in his pride, to ding away his friend’s money, let Mr. Mordicai look at the account; and, his impetuous temper in a few moments recovered by good sense, he considered that, as his person was utterly unknown to Mr. Mordicai, no offence could have been intended to him, and that, perhaps, in what had been said of his father’s debts and distress, there might be more truth than he was aware of. Prudently, therefore, controlling his feelings, and commanding himself, he suffered Mr. Mordicai to show him into a parlour, to SETTLE his friend’s business. In a few minutes the account was reduced to a reasonable form, and, in consideration of the partner’s having made the bargain, by which Mr. Mordicai felt himself influenced in honour, though not bound in law, he undertook to have the curricle made better than new again, for Mr. Berryl, for twenty guineas. Then came awkward apologies to Lord Colambre, which he ill endured. ‘Between ourselves, my lord,’ continued Mordicai—

But the familiarity of the phrase, ‘Between ourselves’—this implication of equality—Lord Colambre could not admit; he moved hastily towards the door and departed.


Full of what he had heard, and impatient to obtain further information respecting the state of his father’s affairs, Lord Colambre hastened home; but his father was out, and his mother was engaged with Mr. Soho, directing, or rather being directed, how her apartments should be fitted up for her gala. As Lord Colambre entered the room, he saw his mother, Miss Nugent, and Mr. Soho, standing at a large table, which was covered with rolls of paper, patterns, and drawings of furniture: Mr. Soho was speaking in a conceited dictatorial tone, asserting that there was no ‘colour in nature for that room equal to THE BELLY-O’-THE FAWN;’ which BELLY-O’-THE FAWN he so pronounced that Lady Clonbrony understood it to be LA BELLE UNIFORME, and, under this mistake, repeated and assented to the assertion till it was set to rights, with condescending superiority, by the upholsterer. This first architectural upholsterer of the age, as he styled himself, and was universally admitted to be by all the world of fashion, then, with full powers given to him, spoke EN MAITRE. The whole face of things must be changed—there must be new hangings, new draperies, new cornices, new candelabras, new everything!

The upholsterer’s eye, in a fine frenzy rolling,

Glances from ceiling to floor, from floor to ceiling;

And, as imagination bodies forth

The form of things unknown, th’ upholsterer’s pencil

Turns to shape and gives to airy nothing

A local habitation and a NAME.

Of the value of a NAME no one could be more sensible than Mr. Soho.

‘Your la’ship sees—this is merely a scratch of my pencil—your la’ship’s sensible—just to give you an idea of the shape, the form of the thing. You fill up your angles here with ECOINIERES—round your walls with the TURKISH TENT DRAPERY—a fancy of my own—in apricot cloth, or crimson velvet, suppose, or EN FLUTE, in crimson satin draperies, fanned and riched with gold fringes, EN SUITE—intermediate spaces, Apollo’s heads with gold rays—and here, ma’am, you place four CHANCELIERES, with chimeras at the corners, covered with blue silk and silver fringe, elegantly fanciful—with my STATIRA CANOPY here—light blue silk draperies—aerial tint, with silver balls—and for seats here, the SERAGLIO OTTOMANS, superfine scarlet—your paws—griffin—golden—and golden tripods, here, with antique cranes—and oriental alabaster tables here and there—quite appropriate, your la’ship feels.

‘And—let me reflect. For the next apartment, it strikes me—as your la’ship don’t value expense—THE ALHAMBRA HANGINGS—my own thought entirely. Now, before I unroll them, Lady Clonbrony, I must beg you’ll not mention I’ve shown them. I give you my sacred honour, not a soul has set eye upon the Alhambra hangings, except Mrs. Dareville, who stole a peep; I refused, absolutely refused, the Duchess of Torcaster—but I can’t refuse your la’ship. So see, ma’am—(unrolling them)—scagliola porphyry columns supporting the grand dome—entablature, silvered and decorated with imitative bronze ornaments; under the entablature, A VALANCE IN PELMETS, of puffed scarlet silk, would have an unparalleled grand effect, seen through the arches—with the TREBISOND TRELLICE PAPER, would make a TOUT ENSEMBLE, novel beyond example. On that Trebisond trellice paper, I confess, ladies, I do pique myself.

‘Then, for the little room, I recommend turning it temporarily into a Chinese pagoda, with this CHINESE PAGODA PAPER, with the PORCELAIN border, and josses, and jars, and beakers to match; and I can venture to promise one vase of pre-eminent size and beauty. Oh, indubitably! if your la’ship prefers it, you can have the EGYPTIAN HIEROGLYPHIC PAPER, with the IBIS BORDER to match! The only objection is, one sees it everywhere—quite antediluvian—gone to the hotels even; but, to be sure, if your la’ship has a fancy—At all events, I humbly recommend, what her Grace of Torcaster longs to patronise, my MOON CURTAINS, with candlelight draperies. A demisaison elegance this—I hit off yesterday—and—true, your la’ship’s quite correct—out of the common, completely. And, of course, you’d have the SPHYNX CANDELABRAS, and the Phoenix argands. Oh! nothing else lights now, ma’am! Expense! Expense of the whole! Impossible to calculate here on the spot!—but nothing at all worth your ladyship’s consideration!’

At another moment, Lord Colambre might have been amused with all this rhodomontade, and with the airs and voluble conceit of the orator; but, after what he had heard at Mr. Mordicai’s, this whole scene struck him more with melancholy than with mirth. He was alarmed by the prospect of new and unbounded expense; provoked, almost past enduring, by the jargon and impertinence of this upholsterer; mortified and vexed to the heart to see his mother the dupe, the sport of such a coxcomb.

‘Prince of puppies!—insufferable!—My own mother!’ Lord Colambre repeated to himself, as he walked hastily up and down the room.

‘Colambre, won’t you let us have your judgment—your TEESTE’ said his mother.

‘Excuse me, ma’am. I have no taste, no judgment, in these things.’

He sometimes paused, and looked at Mr. Soho with a strong inclination to—But knowing that he should say too much, if he said anything, he was silent never dared to approach the council table—but continued walking up and down the room, till he heard a voice, which at once arrested his attention, and soothed his ire. He approached the table instantly, and listened, whilst Grace Nugent said everything he wished to have said, and with all the propriety and delicacy with which he thought he could not have spoken. He leaned on the table, and fixed his eyes upon her—years ago, he had seen his cousin—last night, he had thought her handsome, pleasing, graceful—but now, he saw a new person, or he saw her in a new light. He marked the superior intelligence, the animation, the eloquence of her countenance, its variety, whilst alternately, with arch raillery or grave humour, she played off Mr. Soho, and made him magnify the ridicule, till it was apparent even to Lady Clonbrony. He observed the anxiety, lest his mother should expose her own foibles—he was touched by the respectful, earnest kindness—the soft tones of persuasion, with which she addressed his mother—the care not to presume upon her own influence—the good sense, the taste she showed, yet not displaying her superiority—the address, temper, and patience, with which she at last accomplished her purpose, and prevented Lady Clonbrony from doing anything preposterously absurd, or exorbitantly extravagant.

Lord Colambre was actually sorry when the business was ended—when Mr. Soho departed—for Grace Nugent was then silent; and it was necessary to remove his eyes from that countenance, on which he had gazed unobserved. Beautiful and graceful, yet so unconscious was she of her charms, that the eye of admiration could rest upon her without her perceiving it—she seemed so intent upon others as totally to forget herself. The whole train of Lord Colambre’s thoughts was so completely deranged that, although he was sensible there was something of importance he had to say to his mother, yet, when Mr. Soho’s departure left him opportunity to speak, he stood silent, unable to recollect anything but—Grace Nugent.

When Grace Nugent left the room, after some minutes’ silence, and some effort, Lord Colambre said to his mother, ‘Pray, madam, do you know anything of Sir Terence O’Fay?’

‘I!’ Said Lady Clonbrony, drawing up her head proudly; ‘I know he is a person I cannot endure. He is no friend of mine, I can assure you—nor any such sort of person.’

‘I thought it was impossible!’ cried Colambre, with exultation.

‘I only wish your father, Colambre, could say as much,’ added Lady Clonbrony.

Lord Colambre’s countenance fell again; and again he was silent for some time.

‘Does my father dine at home, ma’am?’

‘I suppose not; he seldom dines at home.’

‘Perhaps, ma’am, my father may have some cause to be uneasy about—’

‘About?’ said Lady Clonbrony, in a tone, and with a look of curiosity which convinced her son that she knew nothing of his debts or distresses, if he had any. ‘About what?’ repeated her ladyship.

Here was no receding, and Lord Colambre never had recourse to artifice.

‘About his affairs, I was going to say, madam. But, since you know nothing of any difficulties or embarrassments, I am persuaded that none exist.’

Nay, I CAWNT tell you that, Colambre. There are difficulties for ready money, I confess, when I ask for it, which surprise me often. I know nothing of affairs—ladies of a certain rank seldom do, you know. But, considering your father’s estate, and the fortune I brought him,’ added her ladyship, proudly, ‘I CAWNT conceive it at all. Grace Nugent, indeed, often talks to me of embarrassments and economy; but that, poor thing, is very natural for her, because her fortune is not particularly large, and she has left it all, or almost all, in her uncle and guardian’s hands. I know she’s often distressed for odd money to lend me, and that makes her anxious.’

‘Is not Miss Nugent very much admired, ma’am, in London?’

‘Of course—in the company she is in, you know, she has every advantage. And she has a natural family air of fashion—not but what she would have got on much better, if, when she first appeared in Lon’on, she had taken my advice, and wrote herself on her cards Miss de Nogent, which would have taken off the prejudice against the IRICISM of Nugent, you know; and there is a Count de Nogent.’

‘I did not know there was any such prejudice, ma’am. There may be among a certain set; but, I should think, not among well-informed, well-bred people.’

‘I BIG your PAWDON, Colambre; surely I, that was born in England, an Henglish-woman BAWN! must be well INFAWMED on this PINT, anyway.’

Lord Colambre was respectfully silent.

‘Mother,’ resumed he, ‘I wonder that Miss Nugent is not married!’

‘That is her own fau’t, entirely; she has refused very good offers—establishments that, I own, I think, as Lady Langdale says, I was to blame to allow her to let pass; but young LEDIES till they are twenty, always think they can do better. Mr. Martingale, of Martingale, proposed for her, but she objected to him on account of he’s being on the turf; and Mr. St. Albans’ L7000 a year—because—I REELLY forget what—I believe only because she did not like him—and something about principles. Now there is Colonel Heathcock, one of the most fashionable young men you see, always with the Duchess of Torcaster and that set—Heathcock takes a vast deal of notice of her, for him; and yet, I’m persuaded, she would not have him to-morrow, if he came to the PINT, and for no reason, REELLY now, that she can give me, but because she says he’s a coxcomb. Grace has a tincture of Irish pride. But, for my part, I rejoice that she is so difficult, for I don’t know what I should do without her.’

‘Miss Nugent is indeed—very much attached to you, mother, I am convinced,’ said Lord Colambre, beginning his sentence with great enthusiasm, and ending it with great sobriety.

‘Indeed then, she’s a sweet girl, and I am very partial to her, there’s the truth,’ cried Lady Clonbrony, in an undisguised Irish accent, and with her natural warm manner. But a moment afterwards her features and whole form resumed their constrained stillness and stiffness, and, in her English accent, she continued—

‘Before you put my IDEES out of my head, Colambre, I had something to say to you—Oh! I know what it was—we were talking of embarrassments—and I wished to do your father the justice to mention to you that he has been UNCOMMON LIBERAL to me about this gala, and has REELLY given me carte-blanche; and I’ve a notion—indeed I know—that it is you, Colambre, I am to thank for this.’


‘Yes! Did not your father give you any hint?’

‘No, ma’am; I have seen my father but for half an hour since I came to town, and in that time he said nothing to me—of his affairs.’

‘But what I allude to is more your affair.’

‘He did not speak to me of any affairs, ma’am—he spoke only of my horses.’

‘Then I suppose my lord leaves it to me to open the matter to you. I have the pleasure to tell you, that we have in view for you—and I think I may say with more than the approbation of all her family—an alliance—’

‘Oh! my dear mother! you cannot be serious,’ cried Lord Colambre; ‘you know I am not of years of discretion yet—I shall not think of marrying these ten years, at least.’

‘Why not? Nay, my dear Colambre, don’t go, I beg—I am serious, I assure you—and, to convince you of it, I shall tell you candidly, at once, all your father told me: that now you’ve done with Cambridge, and are come to Lon’on, he agrees with me in wishing that you should make the figure you ought to make, Colambre, as sole heir-apparent to the Clonbrony estate, and all that sort of thing. But, on the other hand, living in Lon’on, and making you the handsome allowance you ought to have, are, both together, more than your father can afford, without inconvenience, he tells me.’

‘I assure you, mother, I shall be content—’

‘No, no; you must not be content, child, and you must hear me. You must live in a becoming style, and make a proper appearance. I could not present you to my friends here, nor be happy, if you did not, Colambre. Now the way is clear before you: you have birth and title, here is fortune ready made; you will have a noble estate of your own when old Quin dies, and you will not be any encumbrance or inconvenience to your father or anybody. Marrying an heiress accomplishes all this at once; and the young lady is everything we could wish, besides—you will meet again at the gala. Indeed, between ourselves, she is the grand object of the gala; all her friends will come EN MASSE, and one should wish that they should see things in proper style. You have seen the young lady in question, Colambre—Miss Broadhurst. Don’t you recollect the young lady I introduced you to last night after the opera?’

‘The little, plain girl, covered with diamonds, who was standing beside Miss Nugent?’

‘In di’monds, yes. But you won’t think her plain when you see more of her—that wears off; I thought her plain, at first—I hope—’

‘I hope,’ said Lord Colambre, ‘that you will not take it unkindly of me, my dear mother, if I tell you, at once, that I have no thoughts of marrying at present—and that I never will marry for money. Marrying an heiress is not even a new way of paying old debts—at all events, it is one to which no distress could persuade me to have recourse; and as I must, if I outlive old Mr. Quin, have an independent fortune, THERE IS NO occasion to purchase one by marriage.’

‘There is no distress, that I know of, in the case,’ cried Lady Clonbrony. ‘Where is your imagination running, Colambre? But merely for your establishment, your independence.’

‘Establishment, I want none—independence I do desire, and will preserve. Assure my father, my DEAR MOTHER, that I will not be an expense to him. I will live within the allowance he made me at Cambridge—I will give up half of it—I will do anything for his convenience—but marry for money, that I cannot do.’

‘Then, Colambre, you are very disobliging,’ said Lady Clonbrony, with an expression of disappointment and displeasure; ‘for your father says, if you don’t marry Miss Broadhurst, we can’t live in Lon’on another winter.’

This said—which, had she been at the moment mistress of herself, she would not have let out—Lady Clonbrony abruptly quitted the room. Her son stood motionless, saying to himself—

‘Is this my mother?—How altered!’

The next morning he seized an opportunity of speaking to his father, whom he caught, with difficulty, just when he was going out, as usual, for the day. Lord Colambre, with all the respect due to his father, and with that affectionate manner by which he always knew how to soften the strength of his expressions, made nearly the same declarations of his resolution, by which his mother had been so much surprised and offended. Lord Clonbrony seemed more embarrassed, but not so much displeased. When Lord Colambre adverted, as delicately as he could, to the selfishness of desiring from him the sacrifice of liberty for life, to say nothing of his affections, merely to enable his family to make a splendid figure in London, Lord Clonbrony exclaimed, ‘That’s all nonsense!—cursed nonsense! That’s the way we are obliged to state the thing to your mother, my dear boy, because I might talk her deaf before she would understand or listen to anything else. But, for my own share, I don’t care a rush if London was sunk in the salt sea. Little Dublin for my money, as Sir Terence O’Fay says.’

‘Who is Sir Terence O’Fay, may I ask, sir?’

‘Why, don’t you know Terry? Ay, you’ve been so long at Cambridge, I forgot. And did you never see Terry?’

‘I have seen him, sir—I met him yesterday at Mr. Mordicai’s, the coachmaker’s.’

‘Mordicai’s!’ exclaimed Lord Clonbrony, with a sudden blush, which he endeavoured to hide by taking snuff. ‘He is a damned rascal, that Mordicai! I hope you didn’t believe a word he said—nobody does that knows him.’

‘I am glad, sir, that you seem to know him so well, and to be upon your guard against him,’ replied Lord Colambre; ‘for, from what I heard of his conversation, when he was not aware who I was, I am convinced he would do you any injury in his power.’

‘He shall never have me in his power, I promise him. We shall take care of that. But what did he say?’

Lord Colambre repeated the substance of what Mordicai had said, and Lord Clonbrony reiterated—’Damned rascal!—damned rascal! I’ll get out of his hands; I’ll have no more to do with him.’ But, as he spoke, he exhibited evident symptoms of uneasiness, moving continually, and shifting from leg to leg like a foundered horse.

He could not bring himself positively to deny that he had debts and difficulties; but he would by no means open the state of his affairs to his son—’No father is called upon to do that,’ said he to himself; ‘none but a fool would do it.’

Lord Colambre, perceiving his father’s embarrassment, withdrew his eyes, respectfully refrained from all further inquiries, and simply repeated the assurance he had made to his mother, that he would put his family to no additional expense; and that, if it was necessary, he would willingly give up half his allowance.

‘Not at all—not at all, my dear boy,’ said his father; ‘I would rather cramp myself than that you should be cramped, a thousand times over. But it is all my Lady Clonbrony’s nonsense. If people would but, as they ought, stay in their own country, live on their own estates, and kill their own mutton, money need never be wanting.’

For killing their own mutton, Lord Colambre did not see the indispensable necessity; but he rejoiced to hear his father assert that people should reside in their own country.

‘Ay,’ cried Lord Clonbrony, to strengthen his assertion, as he always thought it necessary to do, by quoting some other person’s opinion. ‘So Sir Terence O’Fay always says, and that’s the reason your mother can’t endure poor Terry. You don’t know Terry? No, you have only seen him; but, indeed, to see him is to know him; for he is the most off-hand, good fellow in Europe.’

‘I don’t pretend to know him yet,’ said Lord Colambre. ‘I am not so presumptuous as to form my opinion at first sight.’

‘Oh, curse your modesty!’ interrupted Lord Clonbrony; ‘you mean, you don’t pretend to like him yet; but Terry will make you like him. I defy you not. I’ll introduce you to him—him to you, I mean—most warn-hearted, generous dog upon earth—convivial—jovial—with wit and humour enough, in his own way, to split you—split me if he has not. You need not cast down your eyes, Colambre. What’s your objection?’

‘I have made none, sir; but, if you urge me, I can only say that, if he has all these good qualities, it is to be regretted that he does not look and speak a little more like a gentleman.’

‘A gentleman! he is as much a gentleman as any of your formal prigs—not the exact Cambridge cut, maybe. Curse your English education! ‘Twas none of my advice. I suppose you mean to take after your mother in the notion that nothing can be good, or genteel, but what’s English.’

‘Far from it, sir; I assure you, I am as warm a friend to Ireland as your heart could wish. You will have no reason, in that respect at least, nor, I hope, in any other, to curse my English education; and, if my gratitude and affection can avail, you shall never regret the kindness and liberality with which you have, I fear, distressed yourself to afford me the means of becoming all that a British nobleman ought to be.’

‘Gad! you distress me now!’ said Lord Clonbrony, ‘and I didn’t expect it, or I wouldn’t make a fool of myself this way,’ added he, ashamed of his emotion, and whiffling it off. ‘You have an Irish heart, that I see, which no education can spoil. But you must like Terry. I’ll give you time, as he said to me, when first he taught me to like usquebaugh. Good morning to you!’

Whilst Lady Clonbrony, in consequence of her residence in London, had become more of a fine lady, Lord Clonbrony, since he left Ireland, had become less of a gentleman. Lady Clonbrony, born an Englishwoman, disclaiming and disencumbering herself of all the Irish in town, had, by giving splendid entertainments, at an enormous expense, made her way into a certain set of fashionable company. But Lord Clonbrony, who was somebody in Ireland, who was a great person in Dublin, found himself nobody in England, a mere cipher in London, Looked down upon by the fine people with whom his lady associated, and heartily weary of them, he retreated from them altogether, and sought entertainment and self-complacency in society beneath him—indeed, both in rank and education, but in which he had the satisfaction of feeling himself the first person in company. Of these associates, the first in talents, and in jovial profligacy, was Sir Terence O’Fay—a man of low extraction, who had been knighted by an Irish lord-lieutenant in some convivial frolic. No one could tell a good story, or sing a good song better than Sir Terence; he exaggerated his native brogue, and his natural propensity to blunder, caring little whether the company laughed at him or with him, provided they laughed. ‘Live and laugh—laugh and live,’ was his motto; and certainly he lived on laughing, as well as many better men can contrive to live on a thousand a year.

Lord Clonbrony brought Sir Terence home with him next day to introduce him to Lord Colambre; and it happened that on this occasion Terence appeared to peculiar disadvantage, because, like many other people, ‘Il gatoit l’esprit qu’il avoit en voulant avoir celui qu’il n’avoit pas.’

Having been apprised that Lord Colambre was a fine scholar, fresh from Cambridge, and being conscious of his own deficiencies of literature, instead of trusting to his natural talents, he summoned to his aid, with no small effort, all the scraps of learning he had acquired in early days, and even brought before the company all the gods and goddesses with whom he had formed an acquaintance at school. Though embarrassed by this unusual encumbrance of learning, he endeavoured to make all subservient to his immediate design, of paying his court to Lady Clonbrony, by forwarding the object she had most anxiously in view—the match between her son and Miss Broadhurst.

‘And so, Miss Nugent,’ said he, not daring, with all his assurance, to address himself directly to Lady Clonbrony—’and so, Miss Nugent, you are going to have great doings, I’m told, and a wonderful grand gala. There’s nothing in the wide world equal to being in a good, handsome crowd. No later now than the last ball at the Castle that was before I left Dublin, Miss Nugent—the apartments, owing to the popularity of my lady-lieutenant, was so throng—so throng—that I remember very well, in the doorway, a lady—and a very genteel woman she was too, though a stranger to me—saying to me, “Sir, your finger’s in my ear.” “I know it, madam,” says I, “but I can’t take it out till the crowd give me elbow room.”

‘But it’s gala I’m thinking of now. I hear you are to have the golden Venus, my Lady Clonbrony, won’t you?’


This freezing monosyllable notwithstanding, Sir Terence pursued his course fluently. ‘The golden Venus!—Sure, Miss Nugent, you, that are so quick, can’t but know I would apostrophise Miss Broadhurst that is, but that won’t be long so, I hope. My Lord Colambre, have you seen much yet of that young lady?’

‘No, sir.’

‘Then I hope you won’t be long so. I hear great talk now of the Venus of Medicis, and the Venus of this and that, with the Florence Venus, and the sable Venus, and that other Venus, that’s washing of her hair, and a hundred other Venuses, some good, some bad. But, be that as it will, my lord, trust a fool—ye may, when he tells you truth—the golden Venus is the only one on earth that can stand, or that will stand, through all ages and temperatures; for gold rules the court, gold rules the camp, and men below, and heaven above.’

‘Heaven above! Take care, Terry! Do you know what you’re saying?’ interrupted Lord Clonbrony.

‘Do I? Don’t I?’ replied Terry. ‘Deny, if you please, my lord, that it was for a golden pippin that the three goddesses FIT—and that the HIPPOMENES was about golden apples—and did not Hercules rob a garden for golden apples?—and did not the pious Eneas himself take a golden branch with him, to make himself welcome to his father in hell?’ said Sir Terence, winking at Lord Colambre.

‘Why, Terry, you know more about books than I should have suspected,’ said Lord Clonbrony.

‘Nor you would not have suspected me to have such a great acquaintance among the goddesses neither, would you, my lord? But, apropos, before we quit, of what material, think ye, was that same Venus’s famous girdle, now, that made roses and lilies so quickly appear? Why, what was it, but a girdle of sterling gold, I’ll engage?—for gold is the only true thing for a young man to look after in a wife.’

Sir Terence paused, but no applause ensued.

‘Let them talk of Cupids and darts, and the mother of the Loves and Graces. Minerva may sing odes and DYTHAMBRICS, or whatsoever her wisdomship pleases. Let her sing, or let her say she’ll never get a husband in this world or the other, without she had a good thumping FORTIN, and then she’d go off like wildfire.’

‘No, no, Terry, there you’re out; Minerva has too bad a character for learning to be a favourite with gentlemen,’ said Lord Clonbrony.

‘Tut—Don’t tell me!—I’d get her off before you could say Jack Robinson, and thank you too, if she had fifty thousand down, or a thousand a year in land. Would you have a man so d-d nice as to balk when house and land is a-going—a-going—a-going!—because of the encumbrance of a little learning? I never heard that Miss Broadhurst was anything of a learned lady.’

‘Miss Broadhurst!’ said Grace Nugent; ‘how did you get round to Miss Broadhurst?’

‘Oh! by the way of Tipperary,’ said Lord Colambre.

‘I beg your pardon, my lord, it was apropos to a good fortune, which, I hope, will not be out of your way, even if you went by Tipperary. She has, besides L100,000 in the funds, a clear landed property of L10,000 per annum. WELL! SOME PEOPLE TALK OF MORALITY, AND SOME OF RELIGION, BUT GIVE ME A LITTLE SNUG PROPERTY. But, my lord, I’ve a little business to transact this morning, and must not be idling and indulging myself here.’ So, bowing to the ladies, he departed.

‘Really, I am glad that man is gone,’ said Lady Clonbrony. ‘What a relief to one’s ears! I am sure I wonder, my lord, how you can bear to carry that strange creature always about with you—so vulgar as he is.’

‘He diverts me,’ said Lord Clonbrony, ‘while many of your correct-mannered fine ladies or gentlemen put me to sleep. What signifies what accent people speak in that have nothing to say—hey, Colambre?’

Lord Colambre, from respect to his father, did not express his opinion, but his aversion to Sir Terence O’Fay was stronger even than his mother’s; though Lady Clonbrony’s detestation of him was much increased by perceiving that his coarse hints about Miss Broadhurst had operated against her favourite scheme.

The next morning, at breakfast, Lord Clonbrony talked of bringing Sir Terence with him that night to her gala. She absolutely grew pale with horror.

‘Good heavens! Lady Langdale, Mrs. Dareville, Lady Pococke, Lady Chatterton, Lady D—, Lady G—, his Grace of V—; what would they think of him? And Miss Broadhurst to see him going about with my Lord Clonbrony!’—It could not be. No; her ladyship made the most solemn and desperate protestation, that she would sooner give up her gala altogether—tie up the knocker—say she was sick—rather be sick, or be dead, than be obliged to have such a creature as Sir Terence O’Fay at her gala.

‘Have it your own way, my dear, as you have everything else!’ cried Lord Clonbrony, taking up his hat, and preparing to decamp; ‘but, take notice, if you won’t receive him you need not expect me. So a good morning to you, my Lady Clonbrony. You may find a worse friend in need, yet, than that same Sir Terence O’Fay.’