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TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Social Value Principle
How to Be Instantly Likable
How You Fight the Fear of Rejection
6 Surefire Ways to Win People Easily
5 Conversation Techniques to Turn Boring into Sparkling
4 Big Flaws that Will Kill Your Likability
5 Effective Conversation Tricks Others Will Love You For
9 Fail-Proof Body Language Hacks that Communicate Massive Social Confidence
Storytelling Secrets in a Nutshell
Repartee Like a Showmaster – How to Always Come Back with a Witty Line
How to Start Conversations From Thin Air
How to Start a Conversation Despite Fearing Rejection
It’s Ok to Not Being Liked
Simple Exercises to Crush Your Social Anxiety
Your Two Week Exercise Plan For Massive Social Confidence
Time to Say Goodbye
More Books by Stuart Ash
No More Social Awkwardness
The Introvert's Social Skill Arsenal to Win People and Be Irresistible Charming
Copyright © 2015 Stuart Ash
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any other information storage or retrieval system.
This book is intended as a reference only, not as medical advice. Information given here is designed to help you make informed decisions about various areas of life. It is not intended as a substitute for any treatment that may have been prescribed by your doctor. If you suspect that you may have severe physical or mental problems please seek professional help first.
Have you ever found yourself in a social gathering surrounded by interesting people, but you were too shy to open a conversation?
Are you familiar with social paralysis whenever you are with people you don’t know? And you find it impossible to connect with them even if your life would depend on it?
Have you ever been in the situation where you see a man or woman that is so cute that you would give one of your arms if you only could start a conversation?
Ever needed to experience the feeling of hopelessness that spread inside you after you came home from a party were you couldn’t overcome your shyness? An utterly devastating feeling that covers your soul like a dark cloud?
If you said yes to some or all of these questions we both probably went through some similar experiences. I’m an introvert and I suffered from shyness and social inability the biggest part of my life. And I sacrificed some of the best years of my life to the inability to overcome my social anxiety.
Though, we are not alone, feeling insecure in social situations is wide-spread psychological phenomenon.
Social anxiety can manifest in several symptoms such as:
the fear of social encounters
avoiding social interactions even if they would be necessary (medical consultation, job interview)
becoming stifled in sudden emerging interaction
the fear of small talk and the tendency to avoid situation where small talk could arise
experiencing the urge to connect to others, but feeling unable to overcome the anxiety
suffering from lowered self-esteem
feeling helpless and hopeless when it comes to socializing
thinking to be inapt dealing with rejection
the fear of being judged by others
feeling hampered in one’s social life
not knowing what to say
believing not being able to hold a conversation
How can a lack of social skills ruin your life?
People, in general, are striving for social connection (not only you). Humans are without a doubt one of the most social species on earth. We hunger for social connectedness. Making others like us is doubtlessly one of the skills we all, at least secretly, long for. However, some of us seem to have it easy connecting with people while others seem to be inept of winning people. Some are social magnets that others seem to be magically drawn to while others seem to be locked out of the playing field of social interactions. Of course, we all want to belong to the first category of people who have a satisfying social life. Since you are interested in a book that covers shyness and social relationship advice you might belong to those who struggle with connecting with others. And be sure you are not alone with this issue.
About a 100 million people in the US report to feel lonely because they are not able to build relationships with others. This trend is shown to be on the rise since decades and loneliness might become the health risk factor of the future. Unfortunately, humans are not made for social isolation. We are a social species and we need social bonding almost as much as we need nutrition. Research has shown the disastrous effect loneliness has on humans. Chronic loneliness and the feeling of being disconnected to others have detrimental effects on well-being, self-esteem, and self-worth. Further loneliness is associated with depression, alcoholism, and suicide.
However, unfortunately, a lack of social relationships is even more harmful to us. Studies have found that suffering from loneliness is not solely a terrible feeling, but is rather dangerous for our physical health. Loneliness is associated with an early death and seems to be more harmful to health than obesity, smoking and alcohol abuse.
Brain imaging studies showed that our brain responds to a social exclusion equivalent as for physical pain. Loneliness beats up our mind if you will so. The human brain is designed for social bonding and responds sensitively to social exclusion and loneliness.
Due to our evolutional history humans are not made to be unconnected to others. Seeking social bonding is hard-wired in our minds and, therefore, social disconnection is a condition we are neither used to nor made for.
In conclusion, the body of research regarding social connectedness paints a clear picture that healthy relationships are a major key to happiness and a fulfilling life. However, I guess you know all this on an intuitive level. Anyway, by being unable to connect with others, you put your life satisfaction and health at stake.
Honestly, how will you live for the rest of your life when you never learn how to connect with people? Problems usually don’t dissolve just by themselves and this problem is probably going to get even worse.
Ok, enough negativity, I have no intention to scare you and I have some good news for you. You can overcome shyness. Socializing and building a significant connection to others is a set of skills you can learn like every other skill you have learned in your life.
This book can help you if:
you feel that shyness puts you in a cage of loneliness
the fear of getting rejected hinders you to connect with people
you are afraid of situations you know you have to talk to people you don’t know
you feel like a nervous wreck in interactions
you have the feeling that nobody cares about what you have to say
you are angst-ridden when you think you run out of words in conversations
don’t know how to make people see you as the person you want them to see
hold back in interactions because you lack the feeling of entitlement to speak out
are angry with yourself for having a hard time connecting with others
All of the issues in the list above are symptoms of a deeper-rooted problem. The feeling of social incapability and all its painful outcomes can be seen as fruits that are originating from roots that are hidden under the surface. Together we will pull out the root of your “people problems” and plant the seed of becoming a social magnet.
If you once learn how to talk to anyone and connect with them, you will never feel uncomfortable in interactions. You will start enjoying social gatherings that have usually been scary to you. Social interactions will be much more fun. Your life will be more enjoyable when you have the skill to make people you like a part of your social network. You will be able to draw people to you like a magnet.
The fundamental secret of winning people is quite a simple one. Even though it isn’t really a secret, it’s rather an all too common everyday principle.
All right, no time for a drumroll, here it comes.
Winning people is all about value.
Sounds way too simple, right? And the idea is simple indeed. See, humans’ motivation is in most cases of egoistic nature. Everything one does is basically a means aiming to maximize pleasure, wealth, health, and, in general, the own well-being. I have no intention to let this turn into a discussion about whether humans are egoistic or altruistic by nature.
The only thing what I want you to think about is that people only invest in things they find valuable. We only buy an item when the subjective value of the purchase overtops the price we have to pay. We invest our time in activities that have perceived value. We are more eager to invest time in our hobbies much more than in an activity we find boring. If you have the choice you would rather go watching a movie you think is interesting instead of watching a movie you consider as boring, that’s a no-brainer, right? You are willing to invest work in something you think will get you a valuable outcome. We are even willing to go through unpleasant treatments like a root canal therapy in order to achieve a valuable health condition.
See, the value is running the show of human behavior. We want to gain value and avoid losing value. And without a doubt the value game applies to communication at least as much as for any other area of life.
To break it down in a single notion: If people perceive you as valuable, they will like you.
This is indeed a simple truth, but being perceived as valuable is unlike harder. For this reason, everything you will learn in this book is how you increase your perceived value. Being perceived as valuable is most important in the first minutes of an initial encounter.
When you first meet someone the other person hasn’t yet invested in you so it would be easy for them to sneak out of the conversation. If you manage it to present value from the get-go, the stage is set for building up a solid connection. Giving value is the basic rule of winning people.
Don’t get me wrong, you already are a valuable person and I hope you view this the same way. If you believe that you are not worth of building relationships or that you are not valuable because you have a hard time connecting with others you may have ridden the wave of self-doubt for too long.
Though, being a great person is something different than being able to communicate that you are a great person. The best product will not become a best-seller if the marketing is poor and nobody knows about the benefits of the product. This book is dedicated teaching you what you can do so that others will perceive you as the great person you are.
Everything you will learn is what you can do to give people an intriguing experience so that they inevitably will connect positive emotions with you. People strive for, or better said, crave for positive emotions and if you can provide them ... guess what ... they will crave your company.
Now that we know what we need to do I would say, let’s get it on.
Our mind strives for consistency between thoughts, perception and behavior. We want to have our internal and external world aligned with who we think we are. Internal beliefs are perceptive filters, emotional references, sources of motivation and basis for behavior patterns all at once.