seventeen - Booth Tarkington - ebook
Opis

Booth Tarkington's wildly successful novel seventeen satirizes the vagaries of American adolescence. Though 17-year-old protagonist William Sylvanus Baxter is awkward, tactless, and often less than likable, Tarkington's insightful—and hilarious—take on teenage life and love is sure to please readers who appreciate top-notch humor writing.

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Seventeen

Booth Tarkington

.

I

WILLIAM

William Sylvanus Baxter paused for a moment of thought in front of the drug-store at the corner of Washington Street and Central Avenue. He had an internal question to settle before he entered the store: he wished to allow the young man at the soda- fountain no excuse for saying, ``Well, make up your mind what it's goin' to be, can't you?'' Rudeness of this kind, especially in the presence of girls and women, was hard to bear, and though William Sylvanus Baxter had borne it upon occasion, he had reached an age when he found it intolerable. Therefore, to avoid offering opportunity for anything of the kind, he decided upon chocolate and strawberry, mixed, before approaching the fountain. Once there, however, and a large glass of these flavors and diluted ice-cream proving merely provocative, he said, languidly--an affectation, for he could have disposed of half a dozen with gusto: ``Well, now I'm here, I might as well go one more. Fill 'er up again. Same.''

Emerging to the street, penniless, he bent a fascinated and dramatic gaze upon his reflection in the drug-store window, and then, as he turned his back upon the alluring image, his expression altered to one of lofty and uncondescending amusement. That was his glance at the passing public. From the heights, he seemed to bestow upon the world a mysterious derision--for William Sylvanus Baxter was seventeen long years of age, and had learned to present the appearance of one who possesses inside information about life and knows all strangers and most acquaintances to be of inferior caste, costume, and intelligence.

He lingered upon the corner awhile, not pressed for time. Indeed, he found many hours of these summer months heavy upon his hands, for he had no important occupation, unless some intermittent dalliance with a work on geometry (anticipatory of the distant autumn) might be thought important, which is doubtful, since he usually went to sleep on the shady side porch at his home, with the book in his hand. So, having nothing to call him elsewhere, he lounged before the drug-store in the early afternoon sunshine, watching the passing to and fro of the lower orders and bourgeoisie of the middle-sized mid- land city which claimed him (so to speak) for a native son.

Apparently quite unembarrassed by his presence, they went about their business, and the only people who looked at him with any attention were pedestrians of color. It is true that when the gaze of these fell upon him it was instantly arrested, for no colored person could have passed him without a little pang of pleasure and of longing. Indeed, the tropical violence of William Sylvanus Baxter's tie and the strange brilliancy of his hat might have made it positively unsafe for him to walk at night through the negro quarter of the town. And though no man could have sworn to the color of that hat, whether it was blue or green, yet its color was a saner thing than its shape, which was blurred, tortured, and raffish; it might have been the miniature model of a volcano that had blown off its cone and misbehaved disastrously on its lower slopes as well. He had the air of wearing it as a matter of course and with careless ease, but that was only an air-- it was the apple of his eye.

For the rest, his costume was neutral, subordinate, and even a little neglected in the matter of a detail or two: one pointed flap of his soft collar was held down by a button, but the other showed a frayed thread where the button once had been; his low patent-leather shoes were of a luster not solicitously cherished, and there could be no doubt that he needed to get his hair cut, while something might have been done, too, about the individualized hirsute prophecies which had made independent appearances, here and there, upon his chin. He examined these from time to time by the sense of touch, passing his hand across his face and allowing his finger-tips a slight tapping motion wherever they detected a prophecy.

Thus he fell into a pleasant musing and seemed to forget the crowded street.

II

THE UNKNOWN

He was roused by the bluff greeting of an acquaintance not dissimilar to himself in age, manner, and apparel.

``H'lo, Silly Bill!'' said this person, William Sylvanus Baxter. ``What's the news?''

William showed no enthusiasm; on the contrary, a frown of annoyance appeared upon his brow. The nickname ``Silly Bill''--long ago compounded by merry child-comrades from ``William'' and ``Sylvanus''--was not to his taste, especially in public, where he preferred to be addressed simply and manfully as ``Baxter.'' Any direct expression of resentment, however, was difficult, since it was plain that Johnnie Watson intended no offense whatever and but spoke out of custom.

``Don't know any,'' William replied, coldly.

``Dull times, ain't it?'' said Mr. Watson, a little depressed by his friend's manner. ``I heard May Parcher was comin' back to town yesterday, though.''

``Well, let her!'' returned William, still severe.

``They said she was goin' to bring a girl to visit her,'' Johnnie began in a confidential tone. ``They said she was a reg'lar ringdinger and--''

``Well, what if she is?'' the discouraging Mr. Baxter interrupted. ``Makes little difference to ME, I guess!''

``Oh no, it don't. YOU don't take any interest in girls! OH no!''

``No, I do not!'' was the emphatic and heartless retort. ``I never saw one in my life I'd care whether she lived or died!''

``Honest?'' asked Johnnie, struck by the conviction with which this speech was uttered. ``Honest, is that so?''

``Yes, `honest'!'' William replied, sharply. ``They could ALL die, I wouldn't notice!''

Johnnie Watson was profoundly impressed. ``Why, I didn't know you felt that way about 'em, Silly Bill. I always thought you were kind of--''

``Well, I do feel that way about 'em!'' said William Sylvanus Baxter, and, outraged by the repetition of the offensive nickname, he began to move away. ``You can tell 'em so for me, if you want to!'' he added over his shoulder. And he walked haughtily up the street, leaving Mr. Watson to ponder upon this case of misogyny, never until that moment suspected.

It was beyond the power of his mind to grasp the fact that William Sylvanus Baxter's cruel words about ``girls'' had been uttered because William was annoyed at being called ``Silly Bill'' in a public place, and had not known how to object otherwise than by showing contempt for any topic of conversation proposed by the offender. This latter, being of a disposition to accept statements as facts, was warmly interested, instead of being hurt, and decided that here was something worth talking about, especially with representatives of the class so sweepingly excluded from the sympathies of Silly Bill.

William, meanwhile, made his way toward the ``residence section'' of the town, and presently --with the passage of time found himself eased of his annoyance. He walked in his own manner, using his shoulders to emphasize an effect of carelessness which he wished to produce upon observers. For his consciousness of observers was abnormal, since he had it whether any one was looking at him or not, and it reached a crucial stage whenever he perceived persons of his own age, but of opposite sex, approaching.

A person of this description was encountered upon the sidewalk within a hundred yards of his own home, and William Sylvanus Baxter saw her while yet she was afar off. The quiet and shady thoroughfare was empty of all human life, at the time, save for those two; and she was upon the same side of the street that he was; thus it became inevitable that they should meet, face to face, for the first time in their lives. He had perceived, even in the distance, that she was unknown to him, a stranger, because he knew all the girls in this part of the town who dressed as famously in the mode as that! And then, as the distance between them lessened, he saw that she was ravishingly pretty; far, far prettier, indeed, than any girl he knew. At least it seemed so, for it is, unfortunately, much easier for strangers to be beautiful. Aside from this advantage of mystery, the approaching vision was piquant and graceful enough to have reminded a much older boy of a spotless white kitten, for, in spite of a charmingly managed demureness, there was precisely that kind of playfulness somewhere expressed about her. Just now it was most definite in the look she bent upon the light and fluffy burden which she carried nestled in the inner curve of her right arm: a tiny dog with hair like cotton and a pink ribbon round his neck--an animal sated with indulgence and idiotically unaware of his privilege. He was half asleep!

William did not see the dog, or it is the plain, anatomical truth that when he saw how pretty the girl was, his heart--his physical heart-- began to do things the like of which, experienced by an elderly person, would have brought the doctor in haste. In addition, his complexion altered--he broke out in fiery patches. He suffered from breathlessness and from pressure on the diaphragm.

Afterward, he could not have named the color of the little parasol she carried in her left hand, and yet, as it drew nearer and nearer, a rosy haze suffused the neighborhood, and the whole world began to turn an exquisite pink. Beneath this gentle glow, with eyes downcast in thought, she apparently took no note of William, even when she and William had come within a few yards of each other. Yet he knew that she would look up and that their eyes must meet--a thing for which he endeavored to prepare himself by a strange weaving motion of his neck against the friction of his collar--for thus, instinctively, he strove to obtain greater ease and some decent appearance of manly indifference. He felt that his efforts were a failure; that his agitation was ruinous and must be perceptible at a distance of miles, not feet. And then, in the instant of panic that befell, when her dark-lashed eyelids slowly lifted, he had a flash of inspiration.

He opened his mouth somewhat, and as her eyes met his, full and startlingly, he placed three fingers across the orifice, and also offered a slight vocal proof that she had surprised him in the midst of a yawn.

``Oh, hum!'' he said.

For the fraction of a second, the deep blue spark in her eyes glowed brighter--gentle arrows of turquoise shot him through and through--and then her glance withdrew from the ineffable collision. Her small, white-shod feet continued to bear her onward, away from him, while his own dimmed shoes peregrinated in the opposite direction--William necessarily, yet with excruciating reluctance, accompanying them. But just at the moment when he and the lovely creature were side by side, and her head turned from him, she spoke that is, she murmured, but he caught the words.

``You Flopit, wake up!'' she said, in the tone of a mother talking baby-talk. ``SO indifferink!''

William's feet and his breath halted spasmodically. For an instant he thought she had spoken to him, and then for the first time he perceived the fluffy head of the dog bobbing languidly over her arm, with the motion of her walking, and he comprehended that Flopit, and not William Sylvanus Baxter, was the gentleman addressed. But--but had she MEANT him?

His breath returning, though not yet operating in its usual manner, he stood gazing after her,

while the glamorous parasol passed down the shady street, catching splashes of sunshine through the branches of the maple-trees; and the cottony head of the tiny dog continued to be visible, bobbing rhythmically over a filmy sleeve. Had she meant that William was indifferent? Was it William that she really addressed?

He took two steps to follow her, but a suffocating shyness stopped him abruptly and, in a horror lest she should glance round and detect him in the act, he turned and strode fiercely to the gate of his own home before he dared to look again. And when he did look, affecting great casualness in the action, she was gone, evidently having turned the corner. Yet the street did not seem quite empty; there was still something warm and fragrant about it, and a rosy glamor lingered in the air. William rested an elbow upon the gate-post, and with his chin reposing in his hand gazed long in the direction in which the unknown had vanished. And his soul was tremulous, for she had done her work but too well.

`` `Indifferink'!'' he murmured, thrilling at his own exceedingly indifferent imitation of her voice. ``Indifferink!'' that was just what he would have her think--that he was a cold, indifferent man. It was what he wished all girls to think. And ``sarcastic''! He had been envious one day when May Parcher said that Joe Bullitt was ``awfully sarcastic.'' William had spent the ensuing hour in an object-lesson intended to make Miss Parcher see that William Sylvanus Baxter was twice as sarcastic as Joe Bullitt ever thought of being, but this great effort had been unsuccessful, because William, failed to understand that Miss Parcher had only been sending a sort of message to Mr. Bullitt. It was a device not unique among her sex; her hope was that William would repeat her remark in such a manner that Joe Bullitt would hear it and call to inquire what she meant.

`` `SO indifferink'!'' murmured William, leaning dreamily upon the gate-post. ``Indifferink!'' He tried to get the exact cooing quality of the unknown's voice. ``Indifferink!'' And, repeating the honeyed word, so entrancingly distorted, he fell into a kind of stupor; vague, beautiful pictures rising before him, the one least blurred being of himself, on horseback, sweeping between Flopit and a racing automobile. And then, having restored the little animal to its mistress, William sat carelessly in the saddle (he had the Guardsman's seat) while the perfectly trained steed wheeled about, forelegs in the air, preparing to go. ``But shall I not see you again, to thank you more properly?'' she cried, pleading. ``Some other day--perhaps,'' he answered.

And left her in a cloud of dust.

III

THE PAINFUL AGE

``OH WILL--EE!''

Thus a shrill voice, to his ears hideously different from that other, interrupted and dispersed his visions. Little Jane, his ten-year- old sister, stood upon the front porch, the door open behind her, and in her hand she held a large slab of bread-and-butter covered with apple sauce and powdered sugar. Evidence that she had sampled this compound was upon her cheeks, and to her brother she was a repulsive sight;.

``Will-ee!'' she shrilled. ``Look! GOOD!'' And to emphasize the adjective she indelicately patted the region of her body in which she believed her stomach to be located. ``There's a slice for you on the dining-room table,'' she informed him, joyously.

Outraged, he entered the house without a word to her, and, proceeding to the dining-room, laid hands upon the slice she had mentioned, but declined to eat it in Jane's company. He was in an exalted mood, and though in no condition of mind or body would he refuse food of almost any kind, Jane was an intrusion he could not suffer at this time.

He carried the refection to his own room and, locking the door, sat down to eat, while, even as he ate, the spell that was upon him deepened in intensity.

``Oh, eyes!'' he whispered, softly, in that cool privacy and shelter from the world. ``Oh, eyes of blue!''

The mirror of a dressing-table sent him the reflection of his own eyes, which also were blue; and he gazed upon them and upon the rest of his image the while he ate his bread-and-butter and apple sauce and sugar. Thus, watching himself eat, he continued to stare dreamily at the mirror until the bread-and-butter and apple sauce and sugar had disappeared, whereupon he rose and approached the dressing-table to study himself at greater advantage.

He assumed as repulsive an expression as he could command, at the same time making the kingly gesture of one who repels unwelcome attentions; and it is beyond doubt that he was thus acting a little scene of indifference. Other symbolic dramas followed, though an invisible observer might have been puzzled for a key to some of them. One, however, would have proved easily intelligible: his expression having altered to a look of pity and contrition, he turned from the mirror, and, walking slowly to a chair across the room, used his right hand in a peculiar manner, seeming to stroke the air at a point about ten inches above the back of the chair. ``There, there, little girl,'' he said in a low, gentle voice. ``I didn't know you cared!''

Then, with a rather abrupt dismissal of this theme, he returned to the mirror and, after a questioning scrutiny, nodded solemnly, forming with his lips the words, ``The real thing--the real thing at last!'' He meant that, after many imitations had imposed upon him, Love--the real thing--had come to him in the end. And as he turned away he murmured, ``And even her name --unknown!''

This evidently was a thought that continued to occupy him, for he walked up and down the room, frowning; but suddenly his brow cleared and his eye lit with purpose. Seating himself at a small writing-table by the window, he proceeded to express his personality--though with considerable labor--in something which he did not doubt to be a poem.

Three-quarters of an hour having sufficed for its completion, including ``rewriting and polish,'' he solemnly signed it, and then read it several times in a state of hushed astonishment. He had never dreamed that he could do anything like this.

MILADY I do not know her name Though it would be the same Where roses bloom at twilight And the lark takes his flight It would be the same anywhere Where music sounds in air I was never introduced to the lady So I could not call her Lass or Sadie So I will call her Milady By the sands of the sea She always will be Just M'lady to me. --WILLIAM SYLVANUS BAXTER, Esq., July 14

It is impossible to say how many times he might have read the poem over, always with increasing amazement at his new-found powers, had he not been interrupted by the odious voice of Jane.

``Will--ee!''

To William, in his high and lonely mood, this piercing summons brought an actual shudder, and the very thought of Jane (with tokens of apple sauce and sugar still upon her cheek, probably) seemed a kind of sacrilege. He fiercely swore his favorite oath, acquired from the hero of a work of fiction he admired, ``Ye gods!'' and concealed his poem in the drawer of the writing-table, for Jane's footsteps were approaching his door.

``Will--ee! Mamma wants you.'' She tried the handle of the door.

``G'way!'' he said.

``Will--ee!'' Jane hammered upon the door with her fist. ``Will--ee!''

``What you want?'' he shouted.

Jane explained, certain pauses indicating that her attention was partially diverted to another slice of bread-and-butter and apple sauce and sugar. ``Will--ee, mamma wants you--wants you to go help Genesis bring some wash-tubs home and a tin clo'es-boiler--from the second- hand man's store.''

``WHAT!''

Jane repeated the outrageous message, adding, ``She wants you to hurry--and I got some more bread-and-butter and apple sauce and sugar for comin' to tell you.''

William left no doubt in Jane's mind about his attitude in reference to the whole matter. His refusal was direct and infuriated, but, in the midst of a multitude of plain statements which he was making, there was a decisive tapping upon the door at a point higher than Jane could reach, and his mother's voice interrupted:

``Hush, Willie! Open the door, please.''

He obeyed furiously, and Mrs. Baxter walked in with a deprecating air, while Jane followed, so profoundly interested that, until almost the close of the interview, she held her bread-and-butter and apple sauce and sugar at a sort of way- station on its journey to her mouth.

``That's a nice thing to ask me to do!'' stormed the unfortunate William. ``Ye gods! Do you think Joe Bullitt's mother would dare to--''

``Wait, dearie!'' Mrs. Baxter begged, pacifically. ``I just want to explain--''

`` `Explain'! Ye gods!''

``Now, now, just a minute, Willie!'' she said. ``What I wanted to explain was why it's necessary for you to go with Genesis for the--''

``Never!'' he shouted. ``Never! You expect me to walk through the public streets with that awful-lookin' old nigger--''

``Genesis isn't old,'' she managed to interpolate. ``He--''

But her frantic son disregarded her. ``Second- hand wash-tubs!'' he vociferated. ``And tin clothes-boilers! THAT'S what you want your SON to carry through the public streets in broad daylight! Ye gods!''

``Well, there isn't anybody else,'' she said. ``Please don't rave so, Willie, and say `Ye gods' so much; it really isn't nice. I'm sure nobody 'll notice you--''

`` `Nobody'!'' His voice cracked in anguish. ``Oh no! Nobody except the whole town! WHY, when there's anything disgusting has to be done

in this family--why do I always have to be the one? Why can't Genesis bring the second-hand wash-tubs without ME? Why can't the second- hand store deliver 'em? Why can't--''

``That's what I want to tell you,'' she interposed, hurriedly, and as the youth lifted his arms on high in a gesture of ultimate despair, and then threw himself miserably into a chair, she obtained the floor. ``The second-hand store doesn't deliver things,'' she said. ``I bought them at an auction, and it's going out of business, and they have to be taken away before half past four this afternoon. Genesis can't bring them in the wheelbarrow, because, he says, the wheel is broken, and he says he can't possibly carry two tubs and a wash-boiler himself; and he can't make two trips because it's a mile and a half, and I don't like to ask him, anyway; and it would take too long, because he has to get back and finish cutting the grass before your papa gets home this evening. Papa said he HAD to! Now, I don't like to ask you, but it really isn't much. You and Genesis can just slip up there and--''

``Slip!'' moaned William. `` `Just SLIP up there''! Ye gods!''

``Genesis is waiting on the back porch,'' she said. ``Really it isn't worth your making all this fuss about.''

``Oh no!'' he returned, with plaintive satire. ``It's nothing! Nothing at all!''

``Why, I shouldn't mind it,'' she said; briskly, ``if I had the time. In fact, I'll have to, if you won't.''

``Ye gods!'' He clasped his head in his hands, crushed, for he knew that the curse was upon him and he must go. ``Ye gods!''

And then, as he stamped to the door, his tragic eye fell upon Jane, and he emitted a final cry of pain:

``Can't you EVER wash your face?'' he shouted;

IV

GENESIS AND CLEMATIS

Genesis and his dog were waiting just outside the kitchen door, and of all the world these two creatures were probably the last in whose company William Sylvanus Baxter desired to make a public appearance. Genesis was an out-of-doors man and seldom made much of a toilet; his overalls in particular betraying at important points a lack of the anxiety he should have felt, since only Genesis himself, instead of a supplementary fabric, was directly underneath them. And the aged, grayish, sleeveless and neckless garment which sheltered him from waist to collar-bone could not have been mistaken for a jersey, even though what there was of it was dimly of a jerseyesque character. Upon the feet of Genesis were things which careful study would have revealed to be patent-leather dancing- pumps, long dead and several times buried; and upon his head, pressing down his markedly criminal ears, was a once-derby hat of a brown not far from Genesis's own color, though decidedly without his gloss. A large ring of strange metals with the stone missing, adorned a finger of his right hand, and from a corner of his mouth projected an unlighted and spreading cigar stub which had the appearance of belonging to its present owner merely by right of salvage.

And Genesis's dog, scratching himself at his master's feet, was the true complement of Genesis, for although he was a youngish dog, and had not long been the property of Genesis, he was a dog that would have been recognized anywhere in the world as a colored person's dog. He was not a special breed of dog--though there was something rather houndlike about him--he was just a dog. His expression was grateful but anxious, and he was unusually bald upon the bosom, but otherwise whitish and brownish, with a gaunt, haunting face and no power to look anybody in the eye.

He rose apprehensively as the fuming William came out of the kitchen, but he was prepared to follow his master faithfully, and when William and Genesis reached the street the dog was discovered at their heels, whereupon William came to a decisive halt.

``Send that dog back,'' he said, resolutely. ``I'm not going through the streets with a dog like that, anyhow!''

Genesis chuckled. ``He ain' goin' back,'' he said. `` 'Ain' nobody kin make 'at dog go back. I 'ain' had him mo'n two weeks, but I don' b'lieve Pres'dent United States kin make 'at dog go back! I show you.'' And, wheeling suddenly, he made ferocious gestures, shouting. ``G'on back, dog!''

The dog turned, ran back a few paces, halted, and then began to follow again, whereupon Genesis pretended to hurl stones at him; but the animal only repeated his manoeuver--and he repeated it once more when William aided Genesis by using actual missiles, which were dodged with almost careless adeptness.

``I'll show him!'' said William, hotly. ``I'll show him he can't follow ME!'' He charged upon the dog, shouting fiercely, and this seemed to do the work, for the hunted animal, abandoning his partial flights, turned a tucked-under tail, ran all the way back to the alley, and disappeared from sight. ``There!'' said William. ``I guess that 'll show him!''

``I ain' bettin' on it!'' said Genesis, as they went on. ``He nev' did stop foll'in' me yet. I reckon he the foll'indest dog in the worl'! Name Clem.''

``Well, he can't follow ME!'' said the surging William, in whose mind's eye lingered the vision of an exquisite doglet, with pink-ribboned throat and a cottony head bobbing gently over a filmy sleeve. ``He doesn't come within a mile of ME, no matter what his name is!''

``Name Clem fer short,'' said Genesis, amiably. ``I trade in a mandoline fer him what had her neck kind o' busted off on one side. I couldn' play her nohow, an' I found her, anyways. Yes- suh, I trade in 'at mandoline fer him 'cause always did like to have me a good dog--but I d'in' have me no name fer him; an' this here Blooie Bowers, what I trade in the mandoline to, he say HE d'in have no name fer him. Say nev' did know if WAS a name fer him 'tall. So I'z spen' the evenin' at 'at lady's house, Fanny, what used to be cook fer Miz Johnson, nex' do' you' maw's; an' I ast Fanny what am I go'n' a do about it, an' Fanny say, `Call him Clematis,' she say. ` 'At's a nice name!' she say. `Clematis.' So 'at's name I name him, Clematis. Call him Clem fer short, but Clematis his real name. He'll come, whichever one you call him, Clem or Clematis. Make no diff'ence to him, long's he git his vittles. Clem or Clematis, HE ain' carin'!''

William's ear was deaf to this account of the naming of Clematis; he walked haughtily, but as rapidly as possible, trying to keep a little in advance of his talkative companion, who had never received the training as a servitor which should have taught him his proper distance from the Young Master. William's suffering eyes were fixed upon remoteness; and his lips moved, now and then, like a martyr's, pronouncing inaudibly a sacred word. ``Milady! Oh, Milady!''

Thus they had covered some three blocks of their journey--the too-democratic Genesis chatting companionably and William burning with mortification--when the former broke into loud laughter.

``What I tell you?'' he cried, pointing ahead. ``Look ayonnuh! NO, suh, Pres'dent United States hisse'f ain' go tell 'at dog stay home!''

And there, at the corner before them, waited Clematis, roguishly lying in a mud-puddle in the gutter. He had run through alleys parallel to their course--and in the face of such demoniac cunning the wretched William despaired of evading his society. Indeed, there was nothing to do but to give up, and so the trio proceeded, with William unable to decide which contaminated him more, Genesis or the loyal Clematis. To his way of thinking, he was part of a dreadful pageant, and he winced pitiably whenever the eye of a respectable passer-by fell upon him. Everybody seemed to stare--nay, to leer! And he felt that the whole world would know his shame by nightfall.

Nobody, he reflected, seeing him in such company, could believe that he belonged to ``one of the oldest and best families in town.'' Nobody would understand that he was not walking with Genesis for the pleasure of his companionship --until they got the tubs and the wash- boiler, when his social condition must be thought even more degraded. And nobody, he was shudderingly positive, could see that Clematis was not his dog (Clematis kept himself humbly a little in the rear, but how was any observer to know that he belonged to Genesis and not to William?

And how frightful that THIS should befall him on such a day, the very day that his soul had been split asunder by the turquoise shafts of Milady's eyes and he had learned to know the Real Thing at last!

``Milady! Oh, Milady!''

For in the elder teens adolescence may be completed, but not by experience, and these years know their own tragedies. It is the time of life when one finds it unendurable not to seem perfect in all outward matters: in worldly position, in the equipments of wealth, in family, and in the grace, elegance, and dignity of all appearances in public. And yet the youth is continually betrayed by the child still intermittently insistent within him, and by the child which undiplomatic people too often assume him to be. Thus with William's attire: he could ill have borne any suggestion that it was not of the mode, but taking care of it was a different matter. Also, when it came to his appetite, he could and would eat anything at any time, but something younger than his years led him--often in semi-secrecy--to candy-stores and soda-water fountains and ice- cream parlors; he still relished green apples and knew cravings for other dangerous inedibles. But these survivals were far from painful to him; what injured his sensibilities was the disposition on the part of people especially his parents, and frequently his aunts and uncles--to regard him as a little boy. Briefly, the deference his soul demanded in its own right, not from strangers only, but from his family, was about that which is supposed to be shown a Grand Duke visiting his Estates. Therefore William suffered often.

But the full ignominy of the task his own mother had set him this afternoon was not realized until he and Genesis set forth upon the return journey from the second-hand shop, bearing the two wash-tubs, a clothes-wringer (which Mrs. Baxter had forgotten to mention), and the tin boiler--and followed by the lowly Clematis.

V

SORROWS WITHIN A BOILER

There was something really pageant-like about the little excursion now, and the glittering clothes-boiler, borne on high, sent flashing lights far down the street. The wash-tubs were old-fashioned, of wood; they refused to fit one within the other; so William, with his right hand, and Genesis, with his left, carried one of the tubs between them; Genesis carried the heavy wringer with his right hand, and he had fastened the other tub upon his back by means of a bit of rope which passed over his shoulder; thus the tin boiler, being a lighter burden, fell to William.

The cover would not stay in place, but continually fell off when he essayed to carry the boiler by one of its handles, and he made shift to manage the accursed thing in various ways--the only one proving physically endurable being, unfortunately, the most grotesque. He was forced to carry the cover in his left hand and to place his head partially within the boiler itself, and to support it--tilted obliquely to rest upon his shoulders --as a kind of monstrous tin cowl or helmet. This had the advantage of somewhat concealing his face, though when he leaned his head back, in order to obtain clearer vision of what was before him, the boiler slid off and fell to the pavement with a noise that nearly caused a runaway, and brought the hot-cheeked William much derisory attention from a passing street-car. However, he presently caught the knack of keeping it in position, and it fell no more.

Seen from the rear, William was unrecognizable --but interesting. He appeared to be a walking clothes-boiler, armed with a shield and connected, by means of a wash-tub, with a negro of informal ideas concerning dress. In fact, the group was whimsical, and three young people who turned in behind it, out of a cross-street, indulged immediately in fits of inadequately suppressed laughter, though neither Miss May Parcher nor Mr. Johnnie Watson even remotely suspected that the legs beneath the clothes-boiler belonged to an acquaintance. And as for the third of this little party, Miss Parcher's visitor, those peregrinating legs suggested nothing familiar to her.

``Oh, see the fun-ee laundrymans!'' she cried, addressing a cottony doglet's head that bobbed gently up and down over her supporting arm. ``Sweetest Flopit must see, too! Flopit, look at the fun-ee laundrymans!''

`` 'Sh!'' murmured Miss Parcher, choking. ``He might hear you.''

He might, indeed, since they were not five yards behind him and the dulcet voice was clear and free. Within the shadowy interior of the clothes-boiler were features stricken with sudden, utter horror. ``FLOPIT!''

The attention of Genesis was attracted by a convulsive tugging of the tub which he supported in common with William; it seemed passionately to urge greater speed. A hissing issued from the boiler, and Genesis caught the words, huskily whispered:

``Walk faster! You got to walk faster.''

The tub between them tugged forward with a pathos of appeal wasted upon the easy-going Genesis.

``I got plenty time cut 'at grass befo' you' pa gits home,'' he said, reassuringly. ``Thishere rope what I got my extry tub slung to is 'mos' wo' plum thew my hide.''

Having uttered this protest, he continued to ambulate at the same pace, though somewhat assisted by the forward pull of the connecting tub, an easance of burden which he found pleasant; and no supplementary message came from the clothes-boiler, for the reason that it was incapable of further speech. And so the two groups maintained for a time their relative positions, about fifteen feet apart.

The amusement of the second group having abated through satiety, the minds of its components turned to other topics. ``Now Flopit must have his darlin' 'ickle run,'' said Flopit's mistress, setting the doglet upon the ground. ``That's why sweetest Flopit and I and all of us came for a walk, instead of sitting on the nice, cool porch- kins. SEE the sweetie toddle! Isn't he adorable, May? ISN'T he adorable, Mr. Watson?''

Mr. Watson put a useless sin upon his soul, since all he needed to say was a mere ``Yes.'' He fluently avowed himself to have become insane over the beauty of Flopit.

Flopit, placed upon the ground, looked like something that had dropped from a Christmas tree, and he automatically made use of fuzzy legs, somewhat longer than a caterpillar's, to patter after his mistress. He was neither enterprising nor inquisitive; he kept close to the rim of her skirt, which was as high as he could see, and he wished to be taken up and carried again. He was in a half-stupor; it was his desire to remain in that condition, and his propulsion was almost wholly subconscious, though surprisingly rapid, considering his dimensions.

``My goo'ness!'' exclaimed Genesis, glancing back over his shoulder. `` 'At li'l' thing ack like he think he go'n a GIT somewheres!'' And then, in answer to a frantic pull upon the tub, ``Look like you mighty strong t'day,'' he said. ``I cain' go no fastuh!'' He glanced back again, chuckling. `` 'At li'l' bird do well not mix up nothin' 'ith ole man Clematis!''

Clematis, it happened, was just coming into view, having been detained round the corner by his curiosity concerning a set of Louis XVI. furniture which some house-movers were unpacking upon the sidewalk. A curl of excelsior, in fact, had attached itself to his nether lip, and he was pausing to remove it--when his roving eye fell upon Flopit. Clematis immediately decided to let the excelsior remain where it was, lest he miss something really important.

He approached with glowing eagerness at a gallop.

Then, having almost reached his goal, he checked himself with surprising abruptness and walked obliquely beside Flopit, but upon a parallel course, his manner agitated and his brow furrowed with perplexity. Flopit was about the size of Clematis's head, and although Clematis was certain that Flopit was something alive, he could not decide what.

Flopit paid not the slightest attention to Clematis. The self-importance of dogs, like that of the minds of men, is in directly inverse ratio to their size; and if the self-importance of Flopit could have been taken out of him and given to an elephant, that elephant would have been insufferable.

Flopit continued to pay no attention to Clematis.

All at once, a roguish and irresponsible mood seized upon Clematis; he laid his nose upon the ground, deliberating a bit of gaiety, and then, with a little rush, set a large, rude paw upon the sensitive face of Flopit and capsized him. Flopit uttered a bitter complaint in an asthmatic voice.

``Oh, nassy dray bid Horror!'' cried his mistress, turning quickly at this sound and waving a pink parasol at Clematis. ``Shoo! DIRTY dog! Go 'way!'' And she was able somehow to connect him with the wash-tub and boiler, for she added, ``Nassy laundrymans to have bad doggies!''

Mr. Watson rushed upon Clematis with angry bellowings and imaginary missiles. ``You disgusting brute!'' he roared. ``How DARE you?''

Apparently much alarmed, Clematis lowered his ears, tucked his tail underneath him, and fled to the rear, not halting once or looking back until he disappeared round the corner whence he had come. ``There!'' said Mr. Watson. ``I guess HE won't bother us again very soon!''

It must be admitted that Milady was one of those people who do not mind being overheard, no matter what they say. ``Lucky for us,'' she said, ``we had a nice dray bid MANS to protect us, wasn't it, Flopit?'' And she thought it necessary to repeat something she had already made sufficiently emphatic.

``Nassy laundrymans!''

``I expect I gave that big mongrel the fright of his life,'' said Mr. Watson, with complacency. ``He'll probably run a mile!''

The shoulders of Genesis shook as he was towed along by the convulsive tub. He knew from previous evidence that Clematis possessed both a high quality and a large quantity of persistence, and it was his hilarious opinion that the dog had not gone far. As a matter of fact, the head of Clematis was at this moment cautiously extended from behind the fence-post at the corner whither he had fled. Viewing with growing assurance the scene before him, he permitted himself to emerge wholly, and sat down, with his head tilted to one side in thought. Almost at the next corner the clothes-boiler with legs, and the wash-tubs, and Genesis were marching on; and just behind them went three figures not so familiar to Clematis, and connected in his mind with a vague, mild apprehension. But all backs were safely toward him, and behind them pattered that small live thing which had so profoundly interested him.

He rose and came on apace, silently.