Here's a reminder of what the air attack warning sounds like... Inspired by 'Protect and Survive', 'When the Wind Blows' and 'Threads' with a touch of 'Fleabag'In the late 1970s to early 1980s, the British government was preparing for nuclear war and prepared a set of pamphlets, radio broadcasts, and public information films which had originally been intended for distribution only in the event of dire national emergency, but provoked such intense public interest that the pamphlets were authorised for general release - it was called Protect and SurviveHAVE A NUKE-CLEAR DAY! THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING!(Better be a bang...)

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Dylan Kassman

Protect and Survive

Have a Nuke-Clear Day!

BookRix GmbH & Co. KG80331 Munich

Before you read...

MATURE CONTENT WARNING:This play contains scenes that involve mature themes which include sexual themes, language, violence and implied animal cruelty. If you are easily offended or easily disturbed, please do not read this play.


This play is not intended for young audiences

Cast of Characters

Tom, a married man who absolutely despises his wife; Jennifer – pussy(cat)

Jennifer, a married woman who also absolutely despises her husband; Tom - cunt

Michael, the unfortunate son of Tom and Jennifer - should have reported them to Child Protection services…

David, a typical stereotypical British pub owner whose obsessed with football and nothing else – what a wanker

Christopher, a regular man who is secretly a criminal - but, be quiet, it’s a secret!

Jason, yet another regular man who is also secretly a criminal - but, be double quiet, it’s also a secret!

Michelle, a stereotypical sexy bombshell who is also a drama queen (and secretly Russian) – can I get her number?

Brian, a businessman and a hopeless romantic - poor guy… just like the writer of this shit

Richard, a rich turd – probably a politician

Radar, a dog that might be fake depending on the show’s budget – when in doubt, dress up a member of the crew, no one will know any the wiser – trust me!

Scenes (Stages)

 Stage One - Panic

Stage Two - Introductions

Stage Three - Care

Stage Four - Hate

Stage Five - Kill

Stage Six - Hunger

Stage Seven - Livid

Stage Eight - Sex

Stage Nine - Death

Information regarding ‘Protect and Survive’ for Cast and Director



Protect and Survive was a public information series on civil defence produced by the British government during the late 1970s and early 1980s. It was intended to inform British citizens on how to protect themselves during a nuclear attack, and consisted of a mixture of pamphlets, radio broadcasts, and public information films. The series had originally been intended for distribution only in the event of dire national emergency, but provoked such intense public interest that the pamphlets were authorised for general release. The play; Protect and Survive is based and the main inspiration on the booklet and public information films of the same name and shows the uncertainties the British government had when threatened with nuclear attack. The play is loosely based in the 1970s with references from the era and is set in central London around the time nuclear war was at its most damning. The characters are overexaggerated stereotypical 1970s British citizens and the cast should keep this in mind when performing. The play is set in nine stages.


More information about Protect and Survive can be found on:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protect_and_Survive

Stage One - Panic

The stage is empty, music plays: Ceefax Twin: Protect and Survive. As the music starts, the stage lights up in dark blue, as the man instructs people on what to do during a nuclear attack, the cast walk in randomly with books in their hand which are the handbooks of the same name provided by the British Government. The cast all look worried and considered, some of the cast don't care and think that this is all a hoax. As the music progresses into an eerie type of music, the stage is set into a pub the play takes place in, the name of the pub is called; 'The Prospects of Fissile', as the stage is set, music fadeout, blackout.


If the theatre space provided offers such a service, a video clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played, if not or due to copyright issues, a sound clip from the Protect and Survive infomercial is played explaining how nuclear explosions work and is explained either by the video clip or by diagrams. Blackout.


The sound of a siren is played warning people of a possible nuclear attack, lights fade in onto the pub where David, the pub owner, is busy watching a football match on the television, completely ignoring the panic that is ensuing outside. Sounds of people screaming and running for their lives can be heard, after a while, Brian enters the pub looking around for any signs of life, he notices David and rushes towards him


Brian: Hello?


David is still busy watching the television and ignores Brian completely


Brian: Sir?


David: (Busy watching television) Wot?


Brian: Well... I was just wondering if you're establishment is offering shelter?


David is confused by what Brian has just said


David: (Looks at Brian) Shelter?


Brian: Well, can't you hear the warning sirens?


David: Sirens?


David listens out for the warning sirens, which can be clearly heard, but David chooses to ignore them


David: Nah mate, I'm busy watching this


Brian looks at the television and then looks back at David


Brian: You're more interested in watching a bloody football match then arranging shelter?


David looks at Brian, couple seconds of awkward silence


David: Yeah


David returns to watching the football match. Brian scoffs


Brian: You do know that in a state of emergency, your establishment has to offer shelter to the public


David: Why the bloody 'ell are you looking for shelter for goodness sake, you've killed someone?


Brian: What? No!


David: Good, then fuck off


David returns to the football match. Brian is baffled by David's disinterest towards the situation


Brian: Aren't you hearing all the screams and panic the people outside are causing?


David: No, why, has Thatcher won?


Brian: No!


David: Good, never liked the bitch


Brian is absolutely gobsmacked by the whole situation


Brian: Well... I don't think we are going to have a general election if the bombs go off!


David looks at Brian with amusement


David: Bombs? Jesus, Margaret really wants to become Prime Minister, doesn't she?


Brian: No! The nuclear bombs!


David looks at Brian confused


David: Nuclear bombs? Wot the fuck ya talking about?


Brian: The bloody nuclear bombs the fucking Soviets are going to throw on us!


David: God, those cunts again? They always like stirring up trouble-


Brian: Didn't you read the handbook?


David: What handbook?


Suddenly, two gentlemen enter, Christopher and Jason all shocked with something stuffed in their pockets


David: Oh, what now?


Christopher: Oi mate, do you have any shelter?


David: Why the hell is everyone asking for shelter. Don't tell me you're like this idiot here, he's saying there's a nuclear attack going to happen soon


Brian: There is! Can't you hear the sirens?


David: Nah mate...




David: I'm half deaf


Christopher: Fuck me!


Jason: Did anyone read the bloody handbook this stupid government provided?


Brian: I did! I'm assuming you two have also?




Christopher: Nah, we couldn't be half-assed we were busy rob-


Jason: Rubbing... each... other...


David: Oh God no! I'm not having any faggots in my pub! Go on, get out!


Suddenly a family enter, Tom, Jennifer and their son Michael enter with their dog Radar. As usual, Tom and Jennifer are arguing


Tom: Look, I told you we could have driven back to Guilford and stayed with mum and dad


Jennifer: No, we couldn't, by the time you would have started that old wreck, we would have been burnt to ashes and besides... I can't stand your poor excuse of parents


Tom: My Reliant Robin is very good, thank you very much!




Jennifer: A pile of shit more like it


They notice the others


Tom: Oh sorry, how rude of us, we-


Jennifer: I'll do the talking dear. Your brain cannot process the manpower to do public speaking


Tom: (Sarcastic) Okay dear, you know best. (Undertone) Bitch


Jennifer: We are trying to look-


Brian, David, Christopher, Jason: For some shelter?


Jennifer is surprised by everyone's response


Jennifer: Oh, you're all looking for shelter... how nice... Um, who's the owner of this establishment?


No answer, everyone looks around for David who is busy watching the football match on the television


Brian: Can you stop watching that bloody football match!


David turns to look at Brian slowly


David: Sod off!


Brian: No, I won't!


Brian looks at the television