In the Land of Vodka and Onions. Poland uncensored ebook

Chief editors — Eva Květoňová and Damian Satława

Cover and pictures — Katarzyna Satława, Damian Satława

Dear readers,

before you start reading this book, I would like to point out two things:

Please be aware that we are an extremely polarized nation. If I put a negation “not” in every sentence, this book will still be credible for half of us. And this is wonderful.

I considered giving a draft to some native speaker to check but finally I changed my mind. I read some pieces of early Afro-American literature. It was unique mainly because of the language that was used there. And I appreciate authenticity more than hyper-correctness.

Why vodka?

Because it still is, and probably always will be, the most popular alcoholic beverage in our country. Craft beers and foreign wines have become fashionable in the recent years but there is no other way to celebrate a wedding, childbirth, buying a property or other milestones in life than with vodka.

Why onions?

Onion is a widespread vegetable. Many Polish dishes simply cannot do without an onion. Although tasty and popular, the same poor onion has a pejorative idiomatic meaning. If you call someone cebula(pol. onion) that means this person is a dim-witted villager, xenophobic and superstitious.

However, it is understood that way among people of my generation. Grandmas know only the literal meaning of cebula.

Life goes on

Below I described some curious situations I have witnessed, heard of or took part in.

Pub in Leeds, UK. A newly met Polish woman asks me:

— How long are you in the UK?

— 4 days — I say.

— Have you already found anything? — she asks.

— Found what? — I ask.

— A job! Have you found a job? — she explains.

— I’m not here to look for a job. — I reply.

— So, what are you doing here? — she asks confused.

— I’m here on a holiday. — I answer.

— Ha ha, you’re so funny. I like you. — says the woman.

An acquaintance went on a business trip to Germany. On her first day at the office everyone ordered a pizza during the lunch break. She noticed that almost all people ate one-third or half of it and throw the rest into a rubbish bin. The second day she asked a woman sitting next to her desk: May we buy one pizza together and share the costs so that we don’t have to throw the food away?

Her German colleague was utterly surprised. She could not understand the reason for doing so.

Polish wedding. Somewhere in central Poland. The family sits at the table. One young man boasts:

— After I relocated to Warsaw and started a job there I can afford all I want. I bought this, I have that, bla, bla…

All the men sitting in the closest surroundings are listening to him with attention. Suddenly his cousin asks:

— So how much do you earn per month?

— Oh, quite a lot. 4500 złoty. — answers “the successful one”.

— 4500 złoty is what I fuck out every Friday night. — says the cousin.

Someone starts to laugh, then someone else joins. After a couple of seconds all the men at the table laugh out loud. The guy who moved to Warsaw feels humiliated. He stands up, leaves the table and goes out to smoke a cigarette.

— I’m a true Pole. I hate everyone. — said a relative of mine.

— Where have you been on holiday?

— In Thailand.

— How much is an onion in Thailand?

Warsaw, bus stop. I am waiting for a bus to the city center with my friend who stems from Warsaw. We spotted a bus full of people coming from some town in Eastern Poland.

— Cheap workforce has arrived.- said my friend.

— How could you? -I scolded him.

— I’m just telling the truth. — he replied.

Novi Pazar, Southern Serbia, year 2018.

We parked our car at the main street. An elderly man was sitting in front of kafana (Balkan café). He approached us and asked: “Poland? Have you got some jeans for sale?”

A Polish joke:

— Granny, I have to tell you something.-

— Yes, my dear? —

— I’m gay.-

— Does it mean you don’t eat meat? —

— No, it means that I sleep with men.-

— Oh, that’s good. Because it’s important to eat a lot of meat.-

Crete, Greece. Talking with the locals. Greek woman asks: What do you do when the temperature in winter goes below zero? Do you go to work? Are schools, shops and offices opened? Do you allow kids to go out of the house? How about buses, trains? Do they operate during the winter?

Chapeltown quarter, Leeds, UK.

Two young Polish guys are approaching a car parked in front of a club. Two Brits are sitting inside the car.

Poles ask: Hi, don’t you want to fight us? No knives, just bare hands. Come on guys, would you?

Lads in the car say nothing. They start the engine and drive away. Two Polish guys are disappointed. They just wanted to have some fun but they were ignored.

Norway? No one speaks English there. There are mostly small villages and villagers don’t speak any foreign language — says a friend of mine who has never been to any Scandinavian country.

We are going on a holiday. My mom already sits in a car.

Bring the maps! We are not going anywhere without maps! — she yells.

So I brought the maps and got in the car. After several hours she wants me to open the map and find a way to Istria that steers clear of Slovenia (they had expensive tolls at that time). I open the map, look at it and say: Mom, that map is from 1990, there is neither Slovenia nor Croatia marked on it.

My mom thinks for a while and announces: Only idiots travel with maps!

Bauhaus supermarket, somewhere in Czech Republic.

The shop assistant says: If you’re looking for bulbs, choose these. Those are from Poland, so, you know, I wouldn’t recommend them.

He is not aware where I am from, he keeps on talking but I do not listen anymore. I feel pain in my chest. The man has just broken my heart. Once he goes back to his work, I take 5 Polish bulbs (I needed just one) and triumphantlyproceed to a cash desk.

He was drunk like… like a true Catholic. — says my uncle relating to his friend.

City Beach, Novi Sad, Serbia.

I am on a holiday with my Polish friends. Monika realized that there are many elderly people there. They are playing cards, chatting, sipping beer and enjoying their time. How sweet — she commented.

In Poland elderly people rarely go to the pool or a lake or aqua parks and they avoid places where people are supposed to be dressed in swimming costumes only. For some reason they feel they do not belong there and it is really difficult to convince them that they are wrong. I encouraged my grandma a few times to go to the pool with me. Ehhh, no way — is her only answer. My second grandma? I have never seen her is a swimming costume my whole life. People, why???

A village in north-eastern Poland. Two middle-aged women stand in front of a well and gossip:

— He goes to her house every night and he sleeps with her, with this divorcee. And you know, I saw him last Sunday in the church receiving the Holy Communion!

How dare he? — replies the second woman with utmost disgust.

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We went to the Tatra Mountains with my friends. One of them asks me: Is there any valley through Tatras that reaches Slovakia?

I dunno. Probably not. — I say.

Good. Otherwise Slovaks could invade us. — says my friend.

What? Ridiculous! Why should they? — I ask amused.

How many Slovaks are there? — he replies with a question.

Hmmm, about 5 million. — I say.

Imagine there are 50 million Slovaks, huh? You would not laugh then!

In a train between Prague and Brno.

— You speak Czech really well. — a man compliments me.

— Thank you. It is because I live here. — I reply.

— Is it somewhat better in here? — he asks.

— The same. Just people are less nervous. —

— Do you travel abroad?

— No, the devil lives abroad.

— Your teeth went yellow. Look at your belly. It is far too big. Do something with yourself! — this is what you might hear while meeting grandma after few months.

A story my friend told me.

My grandad was a soldier. He was in England during the Second World War. Once he was walking down the street in some English town. A beautiful young English woman was calling him to come to her flat. He refused. He had a wife and a little child. He regrets it till today!

Bohoniki, north-eastern Poland. The guide in a Tatar mosque recounts: There are catholics, Tatar muslims and eastern Orthodox people living in our village. There have never been any conflicts between us. The only “problem” might be the fact that because of 3 different religions we have so many occasions to celebrate that we barely have time to work.

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Wzdół Rządowy, Świętokrzyskie Voivodeship, Eastern Poland.

— Grandpa! Do you want wine or vodka?

— Yes.

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Another Polish joke:

A woman yells at her husband:

— You drink beer every day! Have you ever counted how much do you spend for beer? Were it not for beer, you could have bought a yacht so far!

The man replies:

— And you? Do you drink beer?

— Me? No!

— So, where’s your yacht???

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I invited a pair of my acquaintances from Finland to come for a dinner. They were supposed to come on Sunday afternoon. Sunday morning I was about to start cooking. I wanted everything to be ready before they ring the doorbell. Suddenly I received a message that they will not come because they do not feel like socialising today and they prefer to sit at home. It was new to me. I did not know what to think about it. They do not like me anymore? What have I done? What went wrong? I was totally puzzled by their message. Occasionally it also happens to me that I were supposed to visit somebody or go somewhere but the very day I am supposed to do it, I was not willing to meet any people. But I have never had the courage to tell it straightforward. If you are invited you simply go. No matter what. Or… invent some serious excuse (grandma is ill, the cat has died, the car broke down, etc.) It took me some time to understand that it was not a rejection. We do not want to socialize today literally means we do not want to socialize today. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Meeting with colleagues after work.

Me, two Polish guys and two French girls are sitting at one table. Guys start talking about the II World War. Girls are sipping their wine and pretending to be interested in the conversation. After one hour girls are deadly bored, they say something about home duties and leave. Guys did not even realize that their female colleagues had gone home. They were in the middle of a heated debate concerning the Warsaw Uprising.

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My friend who lives in Nottingham had to move to another part of the city after Poles in the neighbourhood realized that she speaks English fluently. They were bothering her every day and night. “Can you go with me to the dentist?”, “Can you go with me tojob office?” “Can you explain me how to apply for this or that?’ These were exemplary requests she heard through the intercom.

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“Poverty disgusts me!” (pol. “Brzydzę się biedą”) — it is a beloved phrase used by a friend of mine. He shouts it any time he is drunk. No one has got any idea what the reason for doing so is.

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We were travelling across England during our holiday. We chose a road that goes by Stonehenge because we wanted to see a world class monument so much. But once we approached Stonehenge, we realized that there was a pig farm on the other side of the street. Hundreds of pigs were either toddling around or snoozing in front of low wooden huts built specially for them. The view of resting piggies was so cute and soothing that we took more pictures of them than of the most famous pile of stones in the world.

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Year 2003. Going for a holiday to England we picked our friend from a train station in Gliwice, Poland. He got into our car and announced: “I’ll buy myself a pair of Ray-Ban glasses. They’re insanely expensive here but I hope to find them for a bargain price in the UK.”

Before we reached Belgium our friend got such a hard eye infection that he could barely see. We took him to the doctor in Milton Keynes. The optician prescribed a medicine and a pair of corrective glasses (he was wearing lenses before). The doctor’s appointment, the medicine and a new pair of glasses cost 175 pounds. He had to say goodbye to Ray-Bans…