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Wanna break up? There's an app for that. Dexter meets Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce in this snarky black comedy that follows Eris as she toys with people's lives. When 25 year-old Eris gets fired from her minimum-wage job, she stumbles on her friend's startup which outsources bad news to people. But will she manage to keep her friendships intact when she finds out she's very good at delivering breakups, when demand is really picking up and when the recipients don't take to the news too kindly? Inspired by the Greek Goddess of discord Eris and by today's app services obsession. Do you want to meet Eris? Do you want to see the waterworks? Then read this black comedy that will make your heart break. This episode takes place a week after the first one. Eris is struggling to keep with the demand, breakups are coming in constantly. Will the team manage to keep the service running?
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Episode 2: Disputes
CHAPTER ONE Black And Coffee
CHAPTER TWO Lazy And Forgetful
CHAPTER THREE Sweat And Tears
CHAPTER FOUR Bags And Scissors
CHAPTER FIVE Hearts And Keys
CHAPTER SIX Ice-cream And Mirrors
CHAPTER SEVEN Steak And Whine
CHAPTER EIGHT Brains And Storms
CHAPTER NINE Brothers And Daisies
CHAPTER TEN Locks And Locks
CHAPTER ELEVEN Tabs And Munchies
Did you enjoy reading Heartbreaker?
Black And Coffee
“Can I have some whipped cream, and those coloured sprinkles?” I asked, batting my eyelashes.
The waitress stared at me. She was black and had a lovely mane of hair. Then she just shrugged and passed me what I asked for.
“I like colours and stuff!” I whined.
“Help yourself,” she said. “But go ruin your coffee away from the bar, the barista might commit suicide if he sees you doing that,” she pointed.
“Thank you. Going to sit outside anyway, it’s a lovely day.” I picked up the can in my armpit, and carried the bowl and the coffee to the far tables. A man was sitting there alone, well-dressed, shiny shoes, reading from his iPad.
I sat on his table across him.
He glanced at me, more intrigued than surprised. I shook the can loudly, filled my coffee with whipped cream -it looked like a rocket! - and then threw as many coloured sprinkles as I could get to stick on it. Made a mess, of course, and he watched me as I licked my fingers and wiped the excess sprinkles from the table and onto the floor.
The man clicked his iPad off and made a show of looking around the empty tables. He smiled. He had a nice smile. “Good morning. Can’t drink your coffee alone?”
“Good morning,” I said, struggling to find a way to eat the monstrosity I had created. “No, you just seemed super-busy with your stock-market and whatnot, and I didn’t want you to miss the show.” I attacked the foam monster and it won. It left a mess on my nose and chin. I licked it off.
The man seemed to enjoy it. He leaned forward and his gaze was piercing. “I like your licking technique.”
“I bet you do,” I said and presented a golden apple-box on the table.
“Proposing already? I don’t even know your name,” he smiled.
“I’m Eris. And no, what we are doing here is the exact opposite. Your wife Linda hired me to handle your breakup, because you were unfaithful. This is not a prank. The proof is in that box. Open it please,” I said and ate some more of my coffee.
The man leaned back. He looked me up and down for a full silent minute, and then pulled the apple in front of him.
“Go on,” I said, delighted to finally reach down on to the real coffee.
He popped the wooden box open with a twist. He looked inside, snorted, and closed it again. I knew what it was, I had placed it in there wearing rubber gloves. It was a big piercing, and I think it was from some nether region.
“Birthday gift?” I asked, putting the cup down.
“Something like that, yeah.” He eyed me, and shrugged. “Seems I’m single now. Want to go grab a couple of drinks later?”
He was sooo hot. No wonder he had that amount of confidence and success rate.
“No, sorry.” I stood up and picked up my bag. I tapped my phone and recited out loud, “She says... Tell him not to dare come home. He can go sleep at the bleeping bleep who likes to bleep his bleep. And tell him he’s a bleeping bleep.”
“Wow. She actually said that?”
“The bleeps are automatic from a profanity filter. We’re a crazy bleeping startup,” I said nodding, as if that explained it all.
He made a show of staring at my ass as I walked away.
I paid at the waitress, who leaned in close. “Girl, don’t you go messing around with him, he’s married and meeting girls here all the time. Friendly warning and stuff.”
“Really? Thank you for telling me...” I said, glancing her boob, “Shaniqua. Love that name.”
She gave me a napkin and pointed at some whipped cream remnants on my face.
I leaned in close and whispered back, “Hey, since you’re covering my butt and all, I really need to tell you I overheard that blonde waitress using the ‘n’ word.”
“The skinny bitch did what?” Shaniqua yelled out loud and threw a towel on the bar. Then she paced furiously towards the other waitress.
I left the coffee shop. I wiped my face too. The waitresses screamed behind me, I didn’t turn around to see but I knew there was plenty of hair-pulling. The barista tried to separate them and got a glancing blow. He cried out about it, that’s how I know.
I’m Eris, and I’m just the messenger. If you see me, prepare to be heartbroken.
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