Wydawca: Kitabu Kategoria: Obyczajowe i romanse Język: angielski Rok wydania: 2012

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does. ebook

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Opis ebooka Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does. - AA. VV.

Have fun with a collection of more than 1000 Chuck Norris' facts. Volume 3

Opinie o ebooku Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does. - AA. VV.

Fragment ebooka Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does. - AA. VV.

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, CHUCK NORRIS DOES.

ISBN 978-88-67440-93-1

Series: RADICI

© 2014 KITABU S.r.l.s.

Via Cesare Cesariano 7 - 20154 Milano

Thank you for choosing to read one of ours books.

We wish you a good reading.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris' secret to success is not his beard nor roundhouse kicks, but rather a steady diet of baby flesh.

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Haley's comet only passes the Earth once every 76 years because that's how often Chuck Norris lets it.

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There is no such thing as a suicidal jumper; they were just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

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World War I was often referred to as the "Great War". This term was actually paraphrased from Chuck Norris' reference to it as being a "Top-Notch Freakin Awesome War".

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Chuck Norris is the only known human that can perform photosynthesis. However, he refuses to do so because, "Converting light energy into nutrients for pussies."

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Legend has it that the monster Medusa, whose gaze would petrify those who met it, was defeated by Perseus when he held out a mirror to her, causing her to see her own hideous face and thus become petrified herself.

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Outkast apologized for making Mrs. Jackson's daughter cry. Chuck Norris didn't, and swiftly roundhouse kicked Andre 3000 for being a pussy.

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Chuck Norris once took first prize in the annual NAACP Halloween costume contest. His costume was a slave trader.

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If you replace Schrödinger's cat with Chuck Norris, it's actually the observer that winds up dead.

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Shortly after Bruce Lee's death, Chuck Norris worked as a Chemist, during which time he discovered the element of surprise and later, painium. He won a Nobel prize for his work which he put next to his imaginary Oscar on his trophy shelf

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Chuck Norris has never arrived at a red stop light. They are always green when he arrives

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Chuck Norris originally starred in "Snakes on a Plane" but had to bow out because he kept scaring the snakes.

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Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

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Chuck Norris lifts weights three times a week with Jesus and Mr. Clean.

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Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

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Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

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It would only take one bullet for Chuck Norris to kill G-Unit.

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Michael Jackson is only white now because Chuck Norris round-house kicked the black out of him.

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Herbal Essences contains traces of Chuck Norris' musk. That is why it makes women scream.

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During WWII it was not actually the flamethrower that the Japanese feared, it was Chuck Norris' anger after hearing that Texas U lost to Oklahoma State.

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The Fantastic Four is also the name for Chuck’s reproductive organs.

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Jesus is allowed to walk on water, but Chuck Norris is allowed to swim through earth.

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Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.

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Chuck Norris was actually born a triplet. His brothers were death and pain.

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Upon his birth during the ice age, Chuck Norris ate his own umbilical cord, thus proving he was destined to be badass forever.

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Chuck Norris can arm-pit fart without using his hands.

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Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving with a Ziploc bag and a bendy straw.

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Chuck Norris is actually a robot sent from the future to kill John Connor.

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Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.

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Some people eat pepperoni on their pizza. Some people have Canadian bacon. Chuck Norris usually has Venezuela.

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Chuck Norris once started a brutal civil war in a third world country because he felt, "There were too many people on the planet." He also stopped it exactly a week after, by killing everyone by himself.

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If a child ignores the "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride" signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child's mother with his beard.

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The Statue of Liberty was originally a gift from the French to Chuck Norris. After he'd finished with her he gave her to the U.S., though it took 9 years of repairs to make her stand upright again.

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Chuck Norris never kills people for no reason, but to be fair, he usually comes up with the reason afterwards.

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The ex-porn star Savannah tried to deep throat Chuck Norris. Savannah is now dead.

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A mighty crack was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the super continent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.

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Nationwide blackouts are caused by Chuck Norris using an electric razor.

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Chuck Norris knows that there can never be true equality. This is not because people are flawed, though, but because Chuck Norris does not accept anyone as his equal.

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Chuck Norris has killed more men than death.

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G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu gip.

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Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

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Chuck Norris can access Wii Channels on his PS3 through Xbox Live.

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The Beatles claimed they were bigger than Jesus... But not Chuck Norris.

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The answer, my friends, WAS blowing' in the wind, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the answer for hanging around with hippies. Now the answer orbits the solar system and only comes near the Earth every 1000 years.

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Chuck Norris once round house kicked a lazy-eyed child in the face because he was starring at him.

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Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

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Chuck Norris does not have birthdays because he is timeless.

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Chuck Norris was the original Horseman of the Apocalypse. He had to be replaced with four different horsemen, because they didn't want the Apocalypse to be anticlimactic.

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When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Chuck Norris fucking hates lemons.

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Chuck Norris once breast-fed Dolly Parton.

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Every time a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.

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If Chuck Norris went to jail, he would throw the soap down and kick the shit out of anyone who tried to sodomize him. Just for something to do.

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The only one who can defeat Chuck Norris is God, but will not do so in fear of His life.

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Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

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Chuck Norris once slept with Xena the Warrior Princess. Their child was Mr. T.

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Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.

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Chuck Norris can swallow a quarter and shit out one dime, two nickels and five pennies.

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If Chuck Norris needs scissors 61!, then he fucking gets them.

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Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

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Nails wish they were as tough as Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

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Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking' about.

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Chuck Norris never gets negative feedback on eBay.

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The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

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Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike Bar. In fact, it's the Klondike Bar that must do something for Chuck Norris in order to be eaten with mercy.

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Chuck Norris believes there is a heaven and a hell. Too bad he can only take you to one.

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Leaving a criminal in the same room as Chuck Norris is cruel and unusual punishment.

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In the US, you get killed by Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris never lost his virginity because he was born without one.

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The Bob Dylan song "Everything Is Broken" was inspired by an encounter the artist had with Chuck Norris.

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The Video Game company "Nintendo" was founded by Chuck Norris when he gave birth to a "Nintendo Entertainment System" after swallowing several Asian businessman whole.

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The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign.

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Once, when Chuck Norris had a fever, a man told him the only cure was more cowbell. Chuck Norris was so enraged that he flicked the man in the testicles, causing him to vomit uncontrollably for 16 days straight.

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Chuck Norris drinks a pint of arsenic a day in an attempt to feel.

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Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

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Chuck Norris' Greatest Hits contains no songs. The tracks are the sounds of Chuck beating the living crap out of various bad guys. Even the WAL~MART edited version has a parental advisory.

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Don't waste Chuck Norris' time, he has things to see and people to do.

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Chuck Norris is so powerful that any woman that he lets have sex with him has to have a licence to operate heavy machinery.

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When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simple lose their will to live.

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If MacGyver and Chuck were locked in a room together, Chuck would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

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When Chuck Norris eats an Oreo, the cream filling cleans itself out of the cookie.

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Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

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Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten, tiger cub, or any other fuzzy and cute baby animal you can imagine. The fur is then absorbed into his beard or chest hair, keeping his hair forever young, smooth, and manageable.

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Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris.

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God is just filling in until Chuck Norris gets tired of kicking ass on earth.

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When Chuck Norris sneezes, a small country disappears.

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Chuck Norris is listed on the New York stock exchange.

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If you take Chuck Norris and subtract the letters i, s, o, r, n, u, c, k, and h, then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.

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Chuck Norris once read a really bad science fiction story. He was so angry that he had wasted his time on it that he ate the book whole. Later that night he shit out Scientology.

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Chuck Norris has 118,453 friends on myspace. It is an unspoken agreement that when you join his list of friends, you are actually placing your name on his list of death, but Chuck Norris' friends do not care. To die by the hand of Chuck is an honour.

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Chuck Norris has never met a mirror he didn't like the look of.

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Chuck Norris once appeared on the hit TV series Survivor. After 90 days of pain, exhaustion and dehydration, the island was forced to retire.

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Contrary to popular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune cookies are Chinese, not Japanese.

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Chuck Norris would use guns if they didn't kill groups of people so slowly.

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Chuck Norris hangs out on the African plains just for the heck of it. And to eat yuppies on safari.

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Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

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Normal people shave. Chuck Norris scares the hair back in.

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Kobe Bryant passes the ball to Chuck Norris.

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For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For Chuck Norris, there is Richard Simmons.

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Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris' pubic hair is not naturally red like his beard would suggest. It is in-fact barbed wire stained red from all the hookers he's plowed.

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Chuck Norris fucked a black hole to just prove his dick was long enough.

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Chuck Norris performs missile tests in his backyard that are designed to fly to North Korea and up Kim Jung Il's ass.

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Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong, Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.

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Chuck Norris finishes Everlasting Gobstopers.

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Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear, an alligator, and a mountain lion all at once. He won by tying them together with an anaconda.

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Chuck Norris has yet to find footwear that does not explode when exposed to the sheer might of his feet. As such, he has developed the ability to morph his feet to mimic any type of shoe or boot, anytime.

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Chuck Norris can squeeze the sweat out of a rock.

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Chuck Norris tweaked his Harley to give it four wheel drive.

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