Dear Nobbie Scratcher - Nobbie Scratcher - ebook
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Dr Nobbie Scratcher MD BSc SOS YMCA EIEIO is your friendly general practitioner, sex therapist and agony uncle. Over the course of the following pages he will be answering your letters and medical enquiries. He is here to lend a sympathetic ear no matter what your problem is.

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DEAR NOBBIE SCRATCHER

Bernard Morris

© 2013 Bernard Morris

First Edition

The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievable system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Hi Patients,

I’m Dr Nobbie Scratcher, your friendly general practitioner, sex therapist and agony uncle.  Over the course of the following pages I will be answering your letters and medical queries.

I am always here to lend a sympathetic ear no matter what your problem is. If you have any further problems and queries feel free to write in, and if this book sells enough copies then I will answer them in the next issue.

Keep breathing,

Dr Nobbie Scratcher MD BSc SOS YMCA EIEIO

Dear Doctor,

The other day I told my best mate that I was gay. As I told him, red spots and patches appeared on my face and body.

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

You came out with a rash.

Dear Doctor,

I have a tiny tidler and I’m really pissed off about it. Please help.

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

A lot of men and boys worry about the size of their one-eyed trouser snake, or worm as the case may be. Size is not important. Even if you have a Tiny Tim it’s not important. However, having said that, not many girls prefer a teeny tent peg to a whopping wonder wick. One way to make your willie look bigger is to chop off your legs below the knees. Then you can say, “Look, girlies! My danglin’ wang is almost touching the floor!”

Dear Doctor,

I am appalled at your reply to the above problem. I myself have a tiny tickle tail and it isn’t funny in the slightest. Let’s have a little more sympathy if you don’t mind.

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

Sorry. There is indeed a genuine method available that actually increases the size of your dick. You can actually buy a bag of manure to put on your rhubarb. No, you fool! I’m not talking about putting cow shit on your nob! I was speaking metaphorically. The bag of manure in this case is the penis developer. Penis developers can actually increase the size of your dearest member. And they are so easy to use. Simply lubricate your linkie pinkie and rub it until your pigskin inflates, and then when you’re good and proud below the navel shove your woody in the tube and squeeze the pump. A vacuum will be created and hey presto! Your little lucy will transmogrify into a magnificent meat-pecker! One word of warning: don’t squeeze the pump too much as your nob may explode.

Dear Doctor,

A friend of mine says he has to go to the hospital because he has an anal fissure. Can you please tell me what an anal fissure is?

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

An anal fissure is a small split in the skin at the entrance to the rectum caused by the passage of a hard stool. The passage of a hard chair causes a much larger split.

Dear Doctor,

I’m a 42-year-old man and I still wet the bed. Can you help me?

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

Why the hell would I want to help you to wet the bed?

Dear Doctor,

I’m the same 42-year-old man who just wrote to you and I think you misunderstood my letter. What I meant was: can you give me some advice on how to stop wetting the bed?

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

Before you go to sleep try placing some sellotape over the tip of your penis. Or try inserting your todger into an empty milk bottle. If you’re well-endowed, however, you may wish not to try this one as a stiffie in the middle of the night could give you a nasty smash on the head. The best way to avoid bed wetting is to sleep on the floor.

Dear Doctor,

My girlfriend is obsessed with Dermot O’Leary. She tapes all his programmes off the telly and watches them over and over again. She also has his posters all over the bedroom wall.

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

It sounds to me she has Dermotitis.

Dear Doctor,

I think my little baby may have a hearing problem as he never responds to my voice. Is there any way I can test whether indeed he does have a hearing problem?

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

Play a One Direction or JLS CD at full volume and if there are no visible signs of pain on his face then you can safely presume he is deaf.

Dear Doctor,

I’d like to tell you about my sexual fantasies. In my fantasies I am a cruel and merciless Mistress. I tame and subjugate men, using bondage and punishment to reduce them to slavery. I take complete control, guiding them beyond their limits towards the ultimate pleasure of surrender. I strip them naked and tie them down on the bed. I stand before them in my leather gear and high stiletto heels and I whip them mercilessly, subjecting them to pain and humiliation. In my fantasies I also force my slaves to lick my naked buttocks. I would dearly like to act out my fantasies. However, I realise that any normal person would consider my fantasies sick and perverted. Do you think I will ever find somebody sick and perverted enough to help me carry out my fantasies?

Dr Nobbie Scratcher says:

Send me your address and I’ll be round as soon as possible.